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did when I smoked my first cigarette—a Kent, with the Micronite filter*  17 —back when I was a fifteen-year-old assistant counselor at Camp Sharparoon.*  18 My theory was that the Kent would cause female staff members to desire me in a carnal manner. But this is not what happened. What happened was I spent the evening on my hands and knees puking on the softball field. This is not something that women find attractive in a man. You rarely hear a woman say: “I’m looking for the kind of guy who is ralphing up a mess of lasagna on third base.” But being a young, idealistic, determined moron, I continued working at smoking until I could do it without throwing up, which is the epitome of smoking pleasure. (“This is enjoyable! It’s not making me vomit!”)
    Eventually, I realized that smoking was an insanely stupid activity, and I made up my mind to quit. Many smokers will try to tell you that quitting is hard, but I found that, through willpower and determination, I was able to quit “cold turkey,” without any trouble, in just over a decade and a half. So take it from a former nicotine addict: If you’re not a smoker, don’t start. And if you are a smoker, can I bum a cigarette?
    No, seriously, if you are a smoker, and you’re applying for life insurance, lie.
    2.         Don’t drink too much. Alcohol, like tobacco, is the nation’s leading cause of death. It turns your liver into jerky and impairs your judgment. What do I mean by “impaired judgment?” OK, let’s say you’re sitting in a bar watching an NFL game, and a guy next to you makes some observation that you do not agree with—say, that the Green Bay Packers defensive backfield sucks. If you have
not
been drinking, chances are you will simply let the matter drop. Whereas, if you
have
been drinking, you will feel compelled to ask the guy exactly what kind of complete fricking moron he is, despite the fact that (1) the guy was addressing his observation to somebody else; (2) the guy is the size of a Federal Express truck; and (3) no member of the Green Bay Packers defensive backfield would ever, under any circumstances, stick up for
you.
These facts begin to penetrate your brain only later, as the Emergency Room doctor is explaining what foods you will be able to eat through the tube in your neck. That’s what I mean by “impaired judgment.”
    Here are some other signs that you might be drinking too much:

    •                  You find that you need a drink to settle your nerves when you are confronted with unexpected or upsetting occurrences, such as dawn.
    •                  You sometimes make statements such as: “I bet you can’t shoot this beer can off my head.”
    •                  You frequently engage in promiscuous sexual behavior, not always with members of your own species.
    •                  You nod off at inappropriate times, such as at work, or while driving a motorcycle.
    •                  You sometimes wake up on unfamiliar continents.
    •                  You often see yourself featured on the TV show
Cops,
usually handcuffed facedown in front of a mobile home.
    •                  You find that you spend a lot more time than other people searching for your pants.
    •                  A recurring theme in your home decor is dried vomit.

    If you notice five or more of these warning signs in your own life, you need to eliminate alcohol consumption altogether, or at least limit it only to certain very specific times, such as when you’re awake.
    3.         Eat a healthy diet. Along with tobacco and alcohol, the number one cause of death in America is food. Americans eat way too much of it and have become a nation of enormous waddling giant-butted slugs. This is not their fault. It is the fault of the food industry, which deliberately makes food and