Dave Barry's Money Secrets by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online Page A

had money coming to me. I was actually trying to call a phone-sex number and by mistake dialed Tortmonger Associates. They explained to me that I was in pain and helped me file a lawsuit. I won $600,000! Of course the Tortmonger Associates fee, plus standard legal expenses such as stapling, came to a total of $598,500. But I did get to keep this neck brace. Thanks, Tortmonger Associates!
    LAWYER: You, too, have money coming, and Tortmonger Associates will fight to get it for you. We will kill for you if necessary, using our extensive knowledge of the law.
    ( H E GESTURES TO THE BOOKS BEHIND HIM, WHICH ARE ACTUALLY A COMPLETE SET OF THE 1953E NCYCLOPAEDIA B RITANNICA.)
    LAWYER: Although legal ethics prohibit me from making any promises about the outcome of your particular case, you will definitely win a huge amount of money. So call 1-800-SUE-THEIR-ASS now and let the experts at Tortmonger Associates help you decide exactly how much pain you are in. Remember: If you don’t call, giant bats will suck out your blood. This must be true because it’s on TV. Thank you.

    Of course, the actual lawyer ads shown on television are not as subtle as this, but you get the idea. These ads are on all the time, the result being that Americans today are quick to sue their doctors for pretty much every bad medical thing that happens to them, including having to read an outdated issue of
Redbook
in the waiting room.
    This has caused doctors to practice “defensive medicine,” which means that to avoid getting sued, they often prescribe tests and procedures that are not clearly called for:

    DOCTOR: OK, I want this patient to have an X-ray, sonogram, electrocardiogram, CAT scan, complete blood workup, lung biopsy, endoscopy, bronchoscopy, and extreme Roto-Rooter colonoscopy.
    NURSE: He’s not a patient. He’s here to fix the phones.
    DOCTOR: Then we’ll also do a spinal tap.

    So even a routine doctor visit can become very expensive. This is why you need medical insurance. The way it works is, every month, you or your employer sends money to an insurance company. Then, when you need expensive medical treatment, you notify the insurance company, which in turn notifies you that your treatment is not covered, or is only partially covered, as we see on this chart:
    Your Health Insurance Benefits
Medical Condition
What is NOT Covered
What Is Covered
Arterial bleeding
Surgery, clamps, sutures, bandages, antibiotics
Mop
Sucking chest wound
Anesthesia, surgery
Cork
Cancer
Chemotherapy, radiation, surgery
Casket wreath*  13
Diabetes
Insulin
Leeches*  14
Hatchet embedded in skull
Removal of hatchet, treatment of wound
Larger hat
Eyes gouged out in hospital by psychopath posing as nurse
Prosthetic eyeballs, therapy
Six-pack

    Source: The American Association of Big Insurance Companies That Did Not Get into the Insurance Business to Piss Money Away on the Likes of
You

    The bottom line is that, if you get injured or sick, you are financially screwed. So your wisest strategy is to stay healthy. Here are some ways you can do this:
    1.         Don’t smoke. Smoking is the nation’s number one cause of cancer, emphysema, heart disease, death, ugly-ass teeth, and generally smelling like a fire at a condom factory. Also, many smokers—as a result of having to leave their smoke-free office buildings to go outside in the dead of winter and suck on cigarettes while snowdrifts pile up against their legs—are eaten by wolves.
    And cigarettes are not just unhealthy: They’re also absurdly expensive. As I write these words,*  15 the average price of a single pack of twenty cigarettes is nearly
three dollars,
broken down as follows:

    The Cost of a Pack of Cigarettes: Where the Money Goes

    So smoking is an unbelievably stupid, expensive, evil, deadly addiction that benefits lawyers.*  16 Why, then, do people do it? Many young people start smoking because they think it is “cool.” But it is not cool. It only
looks
cool. At least I believed it