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a major risk, but it’s worth it for some of the attractions around Disney World. The two best ones, as it happens, are right next to each other near a town called Kissimmee. One of them is the world headquarters of the Tupperware company, where you can take a guided tour that includes a Historic Food Containers Museum. I am not making this up.
    I am also not making up Gatorland, which is next door. After entering Gatorland through a giant pair of pretend alligator jaws, you find yourself on walkways over a series of murky pools in which are floating a large number of alligators that appear to be recovering from severe hangovers, in the sense that they hardly ever move. You can purchase fish to feed them, but the typical Gatorland alligator will ignore a fish even if it lands directly on its head. Sometimes you’ll see an alligator, looking bored, wearing three or four rotting, fly-encrusted fish, like some kind of High Swamp Fashion headgear.
    This is very entertaining, of course, but the
real
action at Gatorland, the event that brings even the alligators to life, is the Assault on the Dead Chickens, which is technically known asthe Gator Jumparoo. I am also not making this up. The way it works is, a large crowd of tourists gathers around a central pool, over which, suspended from wires, are a number of plucked headless chicken carcasses. As the crowd, encouraged by the Gatorland announcer, cheers wildly, the alligators lunge out of the water and rip the chicken carcasses down with their jaws. Once you’ve witnessed this impressive event, you will never again wonder how America got to be the country that it is today.
    And speaking of America, let’s talk about taking the children to one of this nation’s many fine:
EDUCATIONAL HISTORIC SITES
    Forget it. Your modern child is not interested in educational historic sites. Your modern child has grown up with MTV and Nintendo; he or she is not going to be enthralled by watching people in authentic uncomfortable colonial outfits demonstrate how families in 1750 used to make candles by spinning flax with a churn, or whatever the hell they did. So you should avoid this kind of activity. Also you should avoid stopping at those Historical Markers on the side of the highway that you can never read when you’re driving past because the letters are too small. Here’s what they say:
    HISTORIC MARKER
    This Historic Marker was erected on this site in the Year of Our Lord 1923 during the administration of Governor Rayford R. “Scooter” Grommet, Jr., to commemorate with great sadness the numerous innocent civilians who are almost definitely going to get hit by traffic when they stop their cars and get out and try to read these really tiny letters.
TRAVELING WITH TEENAGERS
    Traveling with teenagers is somewhat more difficult than traveling with members of the actual human race. It’s very important for you to be sensitive to the fact that, during this difficult transition from child to adult, your teenagers are undergoing intense emotional stresses that cause them, for solid psychological reasons, to regard you as the biggest geek ever to roam the planet. This is because a teenager’s life is an extremely intense, impossibly complex drama, and you cannot possibly understand the plot. All you can do is blunder around like some kind of nearsighted elephant, making a mess of
everything
, including the seemingly simple act of asking a passing waitress for ketchup.
    YOU : Waitress, could we please have some ketchup?
    YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER : Oh FATHER! HowCOULD you??
(Crying, she rushes from the restaurant.)
    YOU : What did I do? What did I do?
    YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER
(in the tone of voice you might use to address an ax murderer):
What did you DO? Do you realize who you just asked for ketchup?
    YOU : A waitress?
    YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER : That was
Jennifer Wienerbunker!
The captain of the cheer-leading squad! You asked her for
ketchup
.
    YOU
(raising your voice slightly):
But she’s