Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online Page B

a
waitress
.
    YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER : Oh FATHER!
(Crying, she rushes from the restaurant.)
    Also, teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks raining from the sky, lava flows destroying entire villages, etc., and the teenager, eyebrows arched with sarcasm, will look at you and say, “Gee, this is
swell,”
then return to the rental car, turn on his portable CD player, and listen to a band called Stomach Contents.
    So as a parent, you may feel that your wisest course is to postpone your family traveling until your teenage child has reached a more reasonable age, such as forty-eight. If this is not possible, you’ll want to follow the:
Two Major Rules for Traveling with Teenagers
    1. Always Remain Outside of the Embarrassment Zone . If you get too close to your teenager in public, your teenager will become concerned that
other
teenagers might think that your teenager was somehow
connected
with you, which of course would be hideously embarrassing. So while traveling you must always maintain the Minimum Acceptable Public Distance, as shown in this figure:

    Minimum Acceptable Distance Between Parent and Teenaged Child in Public
    2. Find Activities That Are Interesting to Teenagers . If the teenager is bored with an activity that you have planned, simply select an activity that he or she might find more interesting. Here is a handy chart to help you do this:
ACTIVITY THAT WOULD BE BORING FOR TEENAGER
ALTERNATIVE ACTIVITY THAT MIGHT BE MORE INTERESTING FOR TEENAGER
Visiting the Louvre Museum
Leaving the Louvre Museum
Seeing the Crown Jewels
Not Seeing the Crown Jewels
Touring India by Elephant
Anyplace but India.
Definitely
Not on an Elephant.

See the USA First!
(WHILE WE STILL OWN PART OF IT)
    A s
Americans, we are fortunate to live in a large nation 1 of incredible variety, as is so eloquently described in the moving opening lines of “America the Beautiful”:
    Well East Coast girls are hip, I really dig those styles they wear .
    Yes, this is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up
next
to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan, and you owe it to yourself, as an American, to see it all. Why go to Europe, with its high prices and strange food and incomprehensible lingos, when, with just a little effort, you can find those things right here?
    To help you get the most out of your “American Adventure,” we’ve prepared the following state-by-state breakdown of Useful Facts and Tips. The information for this section was obtained via an exhaustive process of typing the name of a state and then trying to remember if we or anybody we knew had ever been there. Also, we got a lot of useful information from our son’s encyclopedia, a handy reference work that we always carry along when we travel, which is why we need a back operation.
THE FIFTY STATES
Alabama
    Often called “The Pancreas of Dixie,” Alabama offers a tremendous amount of culture as well as turnips. The State Flower is the camelia; the State Dog is named “Booger” and you should not wake him up. Montgomery, Alabama, was the first capital of the Confederacy and in 1861 was the site of the inauguration of legendary Civil War coach Paul “Bear” Bryant. Many other fascinating historic and cultural events have also occurred in this dynamic state. Ask around.
Alaska
    Despite being close to Alabama in the encyclopedia, Alaska is actually located in Canada. This is only one of the astounding facts about this dynamic state, which is so big that if you were to walk across it at the rate of 25 miles per day, you would get moose poop all over your shoes. You find moose poop
everywhere
in Alaska. You can buy souvenirs made from it. We once bought (this is true) some moose-poop swizzle sticks in Alaska’s largest city, Anchorage, where our hotel had a huge stuffed bear in the lobby striking