Deja Vu by Michal Hartstein Read Free Book Online

smiled at me. I put down the wine glass I was holding and went to her. We hugged in a long and affectionate embrace. Despite my envy, I was still really glad for her. She’d waited a long time for this.
    “I'm so happy for you,” I said quietly as we pulled apart from one another.
    “I know,” she whispered back, and my heart ached. She had such faith in me. It didn’t even occur to her that I envied her.
    We clinked five glasses of wine and a glass of juice in honor of Israel’s sixty years of independence and Inbal’s auspicious pregnancy. She tried to calm our joy, saying she’d already had three miscarriages, but this time all indications showed that the pregnancy was going to end with a baby.
    I had trouble sleeping that night. Nofar, for once, fell asleep easily and slept soundly. Amir was snoring lightly next to me, but my thoughts wouldn’t let me sleep. I felt stuck. I’d always felt like the strongest of our trio. I was the best student. I wasn’t drop dead gorgeous like Daria, but I was very pretty and, in addition, I had a fascinating life story because of the accident and the amnesia. Inbal and Daria also had their own strengths, but, all in all, my advantages were stronger. I’d always gone around with the feeling that I’d achieve much in life, but suddenly I felt left behind. Daria was beautiful and rich and Inbal was in love and radiant from her pregnancy, while I was a desperate mother with a sinking career. 
    I wanted to be the strong one in our trio again, and after hours of thought and reflection, I realized that the way to restore my confidence and joy in life was to succeed where I thought I had the edge. I was determined to further my career. I believed that if I succeeded as an accountant, my frustrating envy of my friends would fade away. Every time I felt that jealousy burning inside of me, I was disgusted with myself. Jealousy was pushing me away from my friends, to the extent that I refrained from meeting and talking to them, because I didn’t want to feel it. I didn’t want the others to recognize it. The only one who knew about it was Amir, who also tried to minimize its effect in my life. I hoped that if I succeeded professionally, if others had reason to envy me, I could destroy my tormenting jealousy.

CHAPTER 5
     
     
    After Independence Day and Inbal’s announcement, I started an intensive search for a new job. I went to numerous interviews and screening tests, and in some cases I reached an advanced stage of the interview process, but I never got an offer. I blamed the fact that I was a mother on my failure to achieve a managerial position. It wasn’t just a feeling; it was an understanding of reality. Interviewers weren’t allowed to ask me questions about my parenting or my thoughts on expanding my family, but in every interview, as we reviewed my résumé together, I felt that nod; it simultaneously expressed their understanding of my delicate situation as a mother, and yet disqualified me.
    After months of searching, I realized that I should lower my expectations of the coveted job, or just continue working where I was, but the work seemed boring and unrewarding. I soon realized that the even the less glamorous jobs on the market were not just sitting waiting for me. Despair began to gnaw at me. Every day I returned home in the early afternoon to my failing attempts to be a ‘normal’ mother. I tried to play with Nofar, but babyish games bored me, and her sharp instincts told her that I had no real desire to play and stay with her.
    To pass the hours until Amir arrived home, I started going down to the park near our apartment. My encounters with other mothers of toddlers only made my utter failure as a mother clearer. Every day, I found myself trying to imitate other mothers. Over time, I learned to look less and less abnormal. I learned to sing and smile falsely at Nofar while pushing her on the swing. I learned that as long as she