Diary of a Mad Bride by Laura Wolf Read Free Book Online Page A

thatshould protect her from falling debris in the event that she passes a construction site. But if she
is
wounded at a construction site, the tiaralike ornament mounted on top of her massive bun will undoubtedly transmit an emergency distress signal along any of the AM frequencies.
    And don’t for a minute think Prudence broke the bank on the tiara and skimped on the gown. Her elaborate taffeta dress could easily make bed skirts for all of Kensington Palace.
    But what alarms me about Prudence is her smile.
    It’s big and long as if the corners of her mouth have been stretched back and taped to her earlobes, and her teeth, polished to a high-intensity white, bulge in an effort to break free.
    It’s the smile of someone struggling to convince herself she’s happy.

august 30th
    I introduced Stephen as my fiancé for the first time today. Very strange. It was like telling someone he’s my brother. Or my gynecologist. It had to be a lie. How could he be my fiancé? That would mean I’m getting married. And how ridiculous is that?
    So I dissolved into laughter.

august 31st
    I have seen the future. It’s not pretty.
    Mandy’s bridal shower was today. Her sister, Kendall, threw it in the Cranbrook Hotel. The Cranbrook is famousfor its Women Only policy. When it realized that the policy had failed to ensure chastity within its hallowed halls it adopted a tacit, constitutionally illegal, albeit impossible to prove policy of no homosexuals. What a warm and embracing environment in which to celebrate love.
    I only knew a handful of the shower guests from college. The rest were women whom Mandy had met over the years who share her love of shelter magazines, summers in the Hamptons, and QVC. Bubbly young women whose nail polish matched their lipstick and whose legs were always crossed.
    For what seemed like an eternity we “oohed” and “aahed” over gifts, giggled innocently at lingerie barely racy enough to get a clock-radio started, and used the discarded ribbons to decorate a paper plate for Mandy to wear as a hat. As an expression of my affection and to assuage my guilt over not asking her to be my maid of honor first (especially since I was busted on it), I maxed out my credit card and bought Mandy an extraordinarily expensive tea set. I knew she’d love it. Martha Stewart did.
    During this time I kept discussion of my own engagement to a minimum and actively avoided the topic of wedding proposals. The last thing I wanted was the outpouring of pity that my concession-stand wedding proposal was certain to elicit from this crowd.
    The highlight of the event was seeing Mandy eat. She’s been starving herself since May. If it’s not steamed, poached, or in a Jenny Craig wrapper, she’s not going for it. But today she celebrated by eating a slice of cake so thin you could shine a light through it. Afterward, to alleviate her potential consternation, one of the guests offered her an Ex-Lax. Clearly love has no bounds.
    As I drank my peach-flavored iced tea I began to worry.I don’t want a bridal shower like this. A cookie-cutter affair that follows all the “rules” and bores me to tears. I’m not like those Bubbly Young Women. I’m creative. I’m rational. I don’t cross my legs when I sit on the toilet! My bridal shower should be exciting. A gambling junket to Atlantic City. All-night club-hopping. Naked karaoke. Anything but a lobotomized gathering featuring laxatives and cake. Where’s the fun in that?
    Ugh.

september 1st
    B eautiful Bride
is closer to a computer circuitry book than a primer for weddings. It’s filled with pointers, tips, rules, charts, diagrams, and a ton of very fine print.
    I’ve only been engaged for a month and already I’m three months behind “schedule.” Who knew I had a schedule? I don’t even have a wedding date yet.
    Additionally, it appears that I’ve left a number of very important items off my list.
    Official THINGS TO DO List
    1. Choose wedding date
    2. Tell boss wedding