Diary of a Mad Bride by Laura Wolf Read Free Book Online

she hustled me into the ladies’ room during a press conference, to inform me that I’d tucked my skirt into my pantyhose. So she deserves it. I just hope Mandy isn’t too upset when she finds out.
    Who am I kidding? Mandy’s so self-absorbed these days she barely notices Jon.

august 27th
    ANITA
    I know this is supposed to be an honor and I’m flattered that you thought of me. But I just can’t get into it.
    ME
    What do you mean you can’t get into it? Does that mean you’re saying no?
    ANITA
    Exactly.
    ME
    You can’t say no. No one ever says no to that question. Besides, you’re my best friend. It’s the greatest compliment I can give you.
    ANITA
    Come on, Amy. You know how I feel about marriage. From where I stand the only thing worse than being someone’s maid of honor would be bearing their child.

august 28th
    I knew Mandy would appreciate the maid of honor position. With her high regard for marriage and the “show of shows” that are weddings, she would acquit herself admirably in the role. She will provide me with the perfect balance of support, guidance, assistance—and, when necessary, fealty.
    Crass as that sounds, I’ve begun to sense that fealty willhave its moments in this ritual. As will loose tea, pink balloons, and prissy little finger sandwiches at my Stepford Wives bridal shower.
    ME
    Listen, Mandy. You’ve been one of my best friends since college and I can’t think of a better way to express my appreciation than to ask you to be my maid of honor.
    I practiced this speech several times before delivering it. I’ve cherished Mandy ever since she held back my hair while I vomited profusely from my first encounter with grain alcohol. So it was important to me that she knew my offer was sincere and heartfelt. Because it was.
    But most of all I wanted to ensure that she’d say yes, because the thought of two people refusing to be my maid of honor was just too damn depressing.
    MANDY
    So you finally got around to asking me. I guess this means Anita said no.
    ME
    Who told you?
    MANDY
    You did. Just now.
    ME
    Shit!
    MANDY
    What were you thinking, asking Anita to be your maid of honor? That’s like inviting Kate Moss to the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.
    ME
    Well…
    MANDY
    Anyway, I’d be delighted to be your maid of honor.
    ME
    Oh thank goodness! It really means a lot.
    MANDY
    It should. You clearly need all the help you can get. Although I can’t possibly do anything until after my own wedding.
    ME
    Of course. But what do you mean I need help? I’ve got everything under control.
    MANDY
    Do you have a wedding date?
    ME
    No.
    MANDY
    A wedding dress?
    ME
    No.
    MANDY
    A wedding song? 16
    ME
    No. But I’ve read all the bridal magazines and I’ve compiled a detailed list of things to do.
    MANDY
    No offense, but those magazines are worthless. With the possible exception of the one by Martha Stewart.
    Hey, she’s not related to Stephen, is she?
    ME
    Not that I know of.
    MANDY
    Too bad. Anyway, the fact remains that any bride worth her floral budget knows that the single most essential tool when planning a wedding is the
Beautiful Bride
book.
    So Mandy had been holding out on me. Sure, she
could
have mentioned the
Beautiful Bride
book weeks ago when I first announced my engagement. But no. She had to see me squirm until I finally got around to asking her to be my maid of honor. Talk about passive-aggressive.
    Luckily I really do have things under control. The date and the dress can be chosen in under fifteen minutes. As for the song—has anyone ever heard a little ditty entitled “Here Comes the Bride”? Please. As much as I want to benefit from Mandy’s experience, I refuse to succumb to her neuroses.
    ----
    16 SONG
?!

august 29th
    N ot surprisingly,
Beautiful Bride
’s glossy cover boasts a picture of an attractive blonde dressed like a bride. I’ve decided to name her Prudence.
    Prudence has creamy white skin free of wrinkles, pores, and pimples. Her hair is molded into a massive bun