Don't Dump The Dog by Randy Grim Read Free Book Online

“command” through the window was always a wellreasoned, “There’s nothing there, Stinky—hush,” which usually worked until I stepped away from the window and he’d start again. Woof, woof, woof . We’d go back and forth that way ...
    Me: Stinky, please be quiet.
    Stinky: (silence)
    Me (turning away from the window): Good boy.
    Stinky: Woof, woof, woof.
    Me (back at the window): I said, be quiet .
    Stinky: (silence)
    Me (turning away from the window again): Good boy.
    Stinky: Woof, woof, woof.
    ... on and on, back and forth, until my inner hick lost control and was heard throughout the neighborhood bellowing, “FOR GOD’S SAKE, SHUUUT UP ,” through the window. Usually in a bathrobe.
    Here’s what was happening: Stinky barked to get my attention, and when I yelled at him, he just thought I was barking back. Mission accomplished. I was rewarding him for barking. The answer, then, was as simple as not rewarding him when he barked. I started inside the house. When he barked at anything that wasn’t a burglar, I pulled out a plastic water sprayer and gave him a little squirt. He hated it, and within several weeks, he managed to put two and two together.
    If a person has one dog, the water sprayer works great. I, however, have an entire herd, and after a while I developed carpal tunnel from pulling the trigger so many times. That’s where a good, old-fashioned dog whistle comes in handy. If the crew starts barking, just blow the whistle, which hurts their ears and pulls their attention away from whatever they’re barking at. This is a good way to make them shut up when they’re outside too. The only problem with this method is that during dinner parties, with the dogs locked away in bedrooms, you sit at the table and blow continuously into a silent (to humans) whistle. If you don’t want your guests to see you blowing into a whistle, just place it in your napkin and pretend to wipe your mouth, blowing all the while. They will just think you are a messy eater with perfectly behaved dogs.
    Many dogs—especially those like ours who were either feral or abused and thus tend to attach to only one person—bark when their person leaves the house. It’s the only way they know to call them back. There are a couple of easy solutions for this, though.
    Quick Fix for Too Much Barking
Get another dog to keep the first one company;
Turn the TV or radio on, so they don’t feel so alone;
Use a bark collar; or
Ask your veterinarian about medications for separation anxiety.
    The bark collar is probably the most practical solution, especially in multi-dog homes, because it works whether you’re home or not. I’m not talking about a shock collar here. Not only does it physically sting the dog, but if you have as many as I do, it knocks out whole sections of the national electricity grid when they go off in unison every time the dogs bark.
    Instead, consider a citrus collar. Dogs hate the taste of citrus, and every time they bark, the collar ejects a spray of citronella onto their muzzles. I love this method for entertainment value alone, because you’ve got a pack of dogs at the window on the verge of warning you there’s a car driving by, and suddenly, at the very first woof , they go silent with puckered lips, their tongues darting in and out, giving each other quizzical looks as if to say, “Do you taste that too?” The citrus collar also saves you from buying air fresheners.
    There are also ultrasonic collars that, much like a dog whistle, emit a high-pitched sound people can’t hear, and collars that vibrate every time they bark.
    If you want to avoid the expense of bark collars, it’s easy to improvise. Get a tin can, put twenty pennies in it, and shake it every time the dog barks. Likewise, put lemon juice in a spray bottle (rather than water) and squirt it at his mouth when he woofs, and you’ll not only have a quiet dog but a good laugh as well. (You can also use it on your fish for dinner.)
    Whatever you do,