Dr. Yes by Colin Bateman Read Free Book Online Page B

in the face
with it as an act. You could scald someone.
        And
she said, 'I couldn't have scalded you with an iced coffee, halfwit.'
        And I
said, 'Did I say all of that out loud?'
        She
ran her finger along the counter top, checking for dust, which was just
ridiculous. 'She was gorgeous, though, wasn't she? So skinny she only needs one
eye. And isn't a girl allowed to be a teensy-weensy bit jealous? After all,
you're my man.' I snorted, although, actually, I liked the sound of that. 'So,
did you think she was fantastically sexy and lovely?'
        'She
was all right. It was work.'
        'Did
she not look a bit pinched?'
        'Not
that I noticed.'
        'Like
her skin was tied up behind her neck and all you'd have to do is snip the knot
and her whole face would fall into her chest, which, incidentally, appeared to
be pointing upwards. A sixteen-year-old would be lucky to pull that one off.'
        'I
wasn't aware of her pulling anything off.'
        'Yeah,
you wish.'
        I
said, 'Is there a point to this conversation, or did you come over to apologise
for your appalling behaviour?'
        'Apologise
for what?'
        'Throwing
. . . and calling .. . and embarrassing me in front of an informant.'
        'That
was nothing; you should see me when I'm angry.'
        'You're
really selling yourself. You're going to end up an old maid.'
        'How
can I be an old maid when I'm carrying your child?'
        'So
you say.'
        We
both sighed.
        If
I'd had a single customer, he or she would have been embarrassed by the
exchange. Fortunately, I did not. And unfortunately. Times were hard and
getting harder; I needed to get on with finding the lovely Arabella and start
on my quest to ruthlessly exploit Augustine's back catalogue and treasured
fourth instalment. No Alibis needed an injection of cash, and I needed to eat.
I had to stop swapping insults with this strange impetuous woman from across
the road.
        I
said, 'Bangles?'
        She
said, 'I'm on flexi. What did she say about Arabella?'
        'Pearl
said Arabella was learning Portuguese.'
        'Pearl?'
        'For
that was her name.'
        'Your
granny's called Pearl.'
        'My
granny's called Frank, but that's another story.'
        'I
mean, it's an awful old name. Pearl what?'
        'Pearl
it's-none-of-your-business.' Nevertheless, I took Pearl's business card out of
my pocket and briefly examined it. It still said:
        
         THE YESCHENKOV CLINIC
         Pearl
Knecklass
        
        I slid
it across the counter to Alison. She picked it up and read what it said. Her
lips moved silently. They were nice lips. I had kissed them before, and since,
and told complete strangers that I had. She looked up at me. There was a glint
in her eye.
        'You're
serious?' she asked.
        'Always.'
        'I
mean, Pearl Necklace?'
        'Yes.
With a K.'
        'But
nevertheless.'
        'Are
you feeling some sort of connection to her name because it sounds like
jewellery?'
        'I'm
not feeling any sort of connection to her, and her name doesn't sound like
jewellery, it sounds like - you know what it sounds like.'
        'I
know exactly what it sounds like. A string of pearls. But spelt differently.'
        'You
know what it sounds like, and it's not that, although spelt differently.'
        'I
have no idea what you're talking about.'
        'You
think it's a coincidence that a woman who looks like that has a porn name like
that?'
        'A
porn name?'
        'Yes,
a porn name.'
        'What're
you talking about? What's a porn name?'
        'Oh
for God's sake. A porn name, a porn name. A porn-star name. She has a porn-star
name. Pearl Necklace, for frig's sake.'
        'How
is that a porn-star name?'
        'How
is it not? Pearl Necklace!' She was laughing, and examining me at the same
time, and then abruptly she stopped and shook her head and said: