e by Matt Beaumont Read Free Book Online Page B

alert or other unspecified emergency. All departments have a designated fire officer. This person is responsible for the orderly evacuation of the premises.
    If you are unaware of who your fire officer is, you will find a list onthe noticeboard at the end of your floor. If you are a fire officer and are unsure of your duties, please see Shanice, my secretary, who will book you onto a short refresher course.
    There will be a fire drill today at precisely 11:30am. Please treat it as REAL and stick to the evacuation procedure as outlined in the staff handbook.
    And remember,
drills save lives.
    Thank you for your co-operation.
    Ken Perry
    Office Administrator
David Crutton – 1/5/00, 8:22am
to:
Simon Horne
cc:
 
re:
Coke
    Last night I believe I sent you an e-mail telling you not to worry. Well, once in a while even I am wrong.
    For reasons too ridiculous to go into, our colleagues in Finland have taken it upon themselves to work on the Coke pitch. In their enthusiasm, they have also chosen to inform Weissmuller of their efforts.
    I don’t have to tell you how we’ll look if we’re trashed by a bunch of humourless, elk-shagging Scandinavians, but I will, anyway. We’ll look like total bloody fuckwits. So let me apply a little pressure. I know the pitch is over a week away, but I want to review all work this morning.
    I have had a preview of the Finnish campaign. It features Aqua singing a dire re-write of “Barbie Girl” (I wouldn’t have thought it possible to sink lower than their original lyrics, but our colleagues in Finland have somehow managed it). It is every bit as crass as you’d expect a commercial featuring Aqua to be. Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t they considered the aural equivalent of acne even when they were still selling records?
    I’m ranting, but you’ll get my drift – it is unmitigated shite.
    Nevertheless, I want to make absolutely sure that there is no opportunity for us to be outdone.
    We’ll review at 11:30, and I fully expect to be dazzled.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 9:01am
to:
Simon Horne
cc:
 
re:
morning!
    Good night at Bib’s? Did you try the scallops with squid ink risotto? To die for! Anyway, your door is closed so I won’t disturb, but when you’re off the phone, please can you call David? He’s been trying to reach you since I got in, but I did what I’m paid for, darling, and stalled him. Harriet is after you as well. She wants to confirm the Mako review for the end of today. I told her not to get her hopes up! I’m going for a Starbuck’s latte. Do you want a choccy croissant while I’m there? Sx
Zoë Clarke – 1/5/00, 9:09am
to:
Lorraine Pallister
cc:
 
re:
welcome!!!!
    Hi, we met really briefly in Bar Zero the other night!!!! I’m the girl you’re taking over for in the creative dept!!! Give me a shout and I’ll show you round and tell you what the job’s all about. Don’t worry about a thing, ’cos I’m sure you’ll fit in really, really well!!!!! Simon Horne’s PA, Susi, is an absolute love and she’ll make you feel right at home!!!! Zxxx
[email protected] 1/5/00, 9:15am
to:
debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk
cc:
 
re:
London calling
    Two days in London and I’m in advertising. I went to a temp agency last week and they got me into this place called Miller Shanks. They did those shite ads for Kimbelle – you know, the Artist Formerly Known As Ginger Spice bunjee jumping, looking like someone shoved a high voltage cable up her arse. I’m working for the CEO (posh for managing director) who spends his whole time staring atmy nipples like I just invented them. It was only supposed to be for a couple of weeks but it’s turned permanent. Next week I start as a PA in the creative department. That’s the bit that has the ideas, but all I’ve seen them do so far is fifty grams of charlie. Some of the lads are a laugh, though. One of them thinks he’s on for a shag, but he looks too much like Bart Simpson