Edward Adrift by Craig Lancaster Read Free Book Online

people?”
    “Yes, of course it does. It also has some bitchin’ apps.”
    “What?”
    Her face flushes.
    “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said ‘bitchin’”
    She flummoxes me.
    “I don’t care,” I say. “If it’s bitchin’, you should be honest about that.”
    “Oh, good. What kind of data plan do you need?”
    “What’s a data plan?”
    “You know, web browsing and stuff.”
    “I have cable Internet at home.”
    “Right, but for your phone, I mean.”
    “This phone has that?”
    “Of course. And it has a camera so you can send pictures to people, and text-messaging capability.”
    “Text messaging?”
    “Absolutely!”
    “Is there any other kind?” I ask.
    “Any other kind of what?”
    “Messaging.”
    “Not on this phone.”
    “OK. I like to send messages.”
    “OK, so you’ll want to go unlimited with that.”
    “Yes, I don’t want to be limited.”
    “You know what?” she says. “The Razr is good. But I think I have the right phone for you, sir. You want the best.”
    “Yes.”
    She brings out what she calls the Apple iPhone. It has everything I would ever want to do, she says. I can talk on it, I can use it to surf the Internet, I can send and receive messages, I can listen to music, I can take pictures. She says it’s the best phone there is.
    She also tells me that it’s $399 and that the full data plan—“You’ll want that,” she says—will run me about $150 a month. Both of those numbers seem steep to me, but I remember that (a) I’m fucking loaded and (b) I wouldn’t want to disappoint this woman who keeps telling me how smart I am for zeroing in on the iPhone.
    I give her my credit card.

    It’s 11:23 p.m. I have spent the past six hours and thirty-four minutes playing with my bitchin’ iPhone, minus the time it took for eight pee breaks.
    It is the greatest thing I have ever owned. That might be hyperbole, but I don’t care.
    I will be able to get rid of my television set.
    I will be able to get rid of my VCR, which I don’t use anymore anyway, now that my
Dragnet
tapes are gone.
    I will be able to get rid of my DVD player.
    I can watch Dallas Cowboys games anywhere.
    I barely need my computer anymore.
    I have every song R.E.M. has ever released saved to my phone.
    I just plotted out the entire trip to Boise, including gas stops, food, and lodging in Butte the first night, then I sent the files to my printer from my “cloud” so I have backup paper copies, which is just smart planning.
    I love my “cloud.”
    I don’t think my bitchin’ iPhone is enough to countermand (I love the word “countermand”) my declaration that 2011 has been a shitburger of a year, but maybe it can make 2012 the best year ever.
    I leave tomorrow.

FROM BILLINGS TO BOISE: A TWO-DAY ITINERARY BY EDWARD STANTON
    Dates of travel: December 9–10, 2011.
    Beginning address: 639 Clark Avenue, Billings, Montana.
    Ending address: 1313 N. 25 Street, Boise, Idaho.
    Beginning odometer reading: 27,156.8 miles.
    Anticipated ending odometer reading: 27,848.3 miles (this accounts for the 686.5 miles from here to Donna and Victor’s house, plus gives me 5 extra miles for getting off the highway for food and gas. I wish there were some way to be precise about this, but there isn’t).
    Anticipated gas mileage: 22.7 miles per gallon on the highway, based on current figures.
    Size of gas tank: 18 gallons.
    Number of fill-ups needed to complete trip: Two. In Butte on Day 2, and later that day in American Falls, Idaho.
    Anticipated amount/cost of fill-up in Butte: 9.925 gallons at $3.23/gallon, for $32.06. Gas prices are highly volatile, however, and this estimate is based on online reports of the average cost of gas in Butte, Montana, today. I have no way of knowing what the prices will be the day after tomorrow.
    Anticipated amount/cost of fill-up in American Falls: 12.078 gallons at $3.18/gallon, for $38.41. See my note above about the volatility of gas prices.
    Anticipated amount of remaining gas