Enjoy Your Stay by Carmen Jenner Read Free Book Online Page A

Holly’s not even showing yet. How the fuck does anyone that’s not immediate family know she’s pregnant? “Er … Well, yes ma’am. Yes I am.”
    Shit.
    Fuck.
    Holly is going to spread my nuts on a cracker.
    I can feel her searing gaze on me. That crazy bitch is gonna flay me alive. “He’s not—”
    I put my arm around her shoulder, and pull her into my side. “Used to getting to tell people first. Happiest day of my life, though.”
    I can feel the anger coming off Holly like waves of radiation. She’s about thirty seconds from hulking out on these nosy old hags, and it’s apparent that I’m gonna need to remove her from the room before someone loses an eye … or their junk, or both.
    “Excuse us, ladies. I just remembered I did have something to show Holly, after all.” I steer her away from the purple-rinse mafia before she goes completely postal.
    “Such a nice, young man,” Celia says.
    “Yes. Shame that little whore has sunk her claws into him. He’d be perfect for my Alison.”
    Holly’s shoulders stiffen, and as I steer her toward the exit she leans in and hisses, “I’m gonna gut them, and then I’m gonna gut you, and wear your testicles as a necklace.”
    “Oookay, lady She-Hulk. Let’s just get you outside where you can cool off.”
    “Cool off?”
    A woman scowls at Holly, and makes a tsking sound as I lead her through the crowd of mourners.
    “What?” Hols demands of her audience.
    I realise she might explode before we can reach the other side of the hall, and the last thing anybody needs is a scary, pregnant ranga going postal and massacring a whole congregation. I lead her into the church so we can talk in private. She shrugs my arm off her shoulder as soon as we clear the door.
    “What the fuck would possess you to say you were my baby-daddy, Jackson? Do you have any idea who the hell you were just speaking to?”
    “Celia Rose?”
    “No, Jackarse, Celia Rose is the devil. Her and her two henchmen back there are going to be spreading this news all over town. You mark my words: Before this wake is over, the entire town will think we’re settling down together.”
    “I just thought things might be easier for you if you weren’t doing this alone. Or, at least if you didn’t have to justify your actions to prudes like those women in there.”
    “I don’t have any actions to justify. Knocked up and left behind, remember?”
    “I just thought I was making life easier for you.”
    “Well, you weren’t,” she snaps, and plonks her sexy arse down in a pew. “Life’s never been easy with you around, Jack.”
    Well, fuck. That stung.
    “Hols,” I begin but she holds up a hand to stop me. She stares up at an enormous statue of Jesus nailed to the cross, and shudders. “I hate churches. They’re weird and depressing. And they always smell like incense and spunk.”
    I let out a chuckle and sit down beside her, even though I’m still not sure she isn’t going to cut off my balls and wear them as jewellery. “Jesus, what kinda churches are you worshipping in? Because I’m so ready to convert.”
    “It’s true. I used to be an alter-girl, and the first time I ever tasted a dude’s spunk brought me right back here, right back to receiving communion.”
    “Gives new meaning to the phrase take of the body of Christ .”
    She lets out a half-hearted laugh, and then scowls at me. “You do not get to make me laugh, mister. You are still in serious trouble.”
    “Spanking kinda trouble, or just the ordinary kind?”
    “Maybe both.”
    “Come on. Let’s see if we can’t give you a better memory of church than some random dude’s spunk.” I take her hand in mine, and lead her over to the confessional booths.
    Twenty minutes, later Holly and I are searching the confessional on our hands and knees, looking for her underwear when there’s a rap on the door.
    “Pardon the interruption, but afternoon mass is due to start in another ten minutes, and we’ll need the room for