Enjoy Your Stay by Carmen Jenner Read Free Book Online Page B

those members of the congregation who come to confession to … er … talk to God … not shout at him.”
    Holy shit. A priest with a sense of humour. What are the odds? “Sorry mate, we’ll be right out.”
    “I’ll give you a minute to make yourselves presentable.”
    I’m laughing my arse off as I get to my feet in the confined space, but it’s clear Holly is not happy with me. If anything, I think I’m in even deeper shit than I was before. In fact, I think the only reason I’m not toast right now is because I fucked her into some sort of coma where her inner She-Hulk is too damn tired to come out and play.
    I can’t ever fucking win with this woman.
    “We are so going to hell for this,” Holly says, as she struggles to pull on her underwear in the confined space.
    “Well, you know what they say about hell?’
    “No, Jackson.” She sighs. “What is it they say about hell?”
    "It’s like being fucked up the arse every which way from Sunday. You may as well grab the devil by the balls, and enjoy the bloody ride."
    “Well I, for one, think you and Satan would be a match made in heaven. You both seem to love anal.”
    Fuck, I love it when she talks dirty.

I PULL the last bag of groceries from the car. It contains a packet of Anzac Biscuits and a loaf of bread, because that’s all Ana thinks I’m able to carry in my “condition”. And even though she’s taking the majority of all the bags, it’d be nice if just one of the four strapping, young men living in our house could pull their fingers out of their arses and help us with the shopping.
    I stuff another biscuit into my mouth, and lick the crumbs from my fingers. We walk inside, and as usual, the boys are nowhere to be seen. Sammy’s obviously watching a movie in the lounge room, because I can hear him laughing at the TV. I follow Ana into the kitchen, and lean against the bench while I open a packet of chilli chips and start tucking in.
    “I don’t know how you can eat those things. Aren’t they burning the baby up from the inside?” Ana asks.
    I shrug. “Beats me, but he seems to like them though. He starts kicking every time I eat them.”
    “Probably because his umbilical cord is on fire.” Ana places the milk in the fridge, and pulls out an empty pie-case someone forgot to put away. Men are such pigs .
    I shrug again, and then we hear a moan from the lounge room. “Sammy, what are you watching there, buddy?”
    “Ana Cabanna, why ith Elijah jumping up and down on you?”
    Ana’s eyes go wide, and all the blood drains from her face. No shit, I mean all the blood . She’s as white as a sheet, and then she sprints into action and dashes into the lounge room. I hurry in after her, and see our flat-screen lit up with Ana and Elijah going at it like bunnies. I burst out laughing, and Ana starts screaming because the remote she’s stabbing with her fist isn’t working. “Oh my God! What are you watching? Ohmygodohmygod. Cade, get your arse in here now!”
    Elijah and Jackson come tearing in from out back, and Bob wanders in, bleary-eyed, from the guest room.
    “Jesus Christ,” Jackson says, and covers his eyes. “Dude that’s my fucking cousin.”
    “Why ith Ana Cabana threaming like that? Were you hurting her, Lighie?” Sammy looks up at Elijah, and Ana covers her kid brother’s eyes.
    “Turn it off! Turn it off!” she yells at Elijah, who now has the remote, and is mashing his fist against it the way she was. I would point out that they could just pull the plug out of the wall, but I can’t, on account of the fact that I’m laughing so hard I feel like my bladder might burst.
    “Christ, what’s all the yellin’ about?” Bob says as he stops rubbing his eyes, and stares at the screen.
    “Oh my God, Dad, don’t look!” Ana screeches, which of course means that he does.
    “Tell me you did not make a fucking sex tape with my daughter, Son?”
    Ana sprints between Bob and Elijah. “Dad,” she says, “consenting adult