Everything Was Fine Until Whatever by Chelsea Martin Read Free Book Online

Beatles scene, which I find really surprising.
    My friend Dane comes over and we talk about math because he studies math. In my head I always exchange the math words for sex words, but I don’t think he gets it. He just thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m trying to find a way to make a sexually suggestive diagram for him for Valentine’s Day, not that I’m interested.
    I just checked out the mailman. We just made eye contact. Oh shit, I think he’s coming over here to deliver a package.
    My friend Ked buys me any food we eat when we’re together. When I’m annoyed with him I insist on paying for my own food.
    Sometimes on the bus I make men fall in love with me by looking out the window and thinking very unnecessary, negative things about them.
    I just accidentally licked my lips while maintaining eye contact with a gentleman on a skateboard. There’s a name for when that happens.
     

 

Acronyms To Expedite Conversation
     
    BYOBF
    Bring your own best friend
    TIJLTEODC
    This is just like that episode of Dawson’s Creek
    TIJLTEOF
    This is just like that episode of Frasier
    TIJLTMABL
    This is just like that movie A Bug’s Life
    TIJLTMA
    This is just like that movie ANTZ
    DYW2DB2NOIDK
    Do you want to drink beer tonight, or I don’t know
    FL
    Fried labia
    TRG
    That’s really great
    NAJKJK
    Nice ass, just kidding just kidding
    LOLNL
    Laughing out last night’s lasagna
    PT
    Posh tosh
    WWF
    Whatever whatever forever
    MMJCANIFC
    My mom just called and now I feel crazy
    MMJCAMMRSATE
    My mom just called and made me really scared about the economy
    ISATE
    I’m scared about the economy
    YKWIM
    You know what I mean
    ITAL
    I’m talking about love
    TIJLTSFHM
    This is just like that scene from Home Alone
    TIJLIHAWKGIMMFD
    This is just like in Home Alone when Kevin goes “I made my family disappear.”
    IFLWHA
    I feel like watching Home Alone
    CSM
    Communal sex mattress
    RUSI
    Are you sad inside
    PAB
    Poop ass butt
    HHAYIG
    Hi how are you I’m great
    AW
    Anyways whatever
     

Pfeiffer
     
    I’m telling myself not to finish my novel until I get some real living done. But the novel finishes itself nightly. And I bawl to every single movie now.
    My novel keeps ending in a way that I don’t want, and I have to erase it. It always ends like the movies end. Everything comes together succinctly. In the end of my novel, Pfeiffer comes in out of nowhere and starts proclaiming things, starts making everyone feel very emotional. It’s hard not to feel emotional around Pfeiffer; she’s a very serious actress. But my novel is about two people sitting on a dock eating a sandwich together and throwing bits of sandwich into the water. It’s clear that she doesn’t belong, so I take her out.
    My characters never get to say what they want to say. Pfeiffer is trying really hard to be a part of my novel. I erase her over and over. Character One says, “Are we trying to get the ducks to eat this?” Pfeiffer appears and disappears. Where is she when she is not in my novel? Character Two says, “The ducks are insignificant. The ducks are just pretense.” My characters both feel strong emotion. Character One thinks, “Sometimes a duck eats the piece of bread, sometimes the piece of bread just sinks.” Character Two thinks, “The other character is the most normal person I have ever met.” Pfeiffer comes in and says something extremely quotable. My characters notice that she has excellent posture. My characters roll their eyes. I edit. They don’t roll their eyes. I write lines about the shape of Pfeiffer’s upper lip and read them out loud. Details are significant. I get teary-eyed over my own writing. My characters try to figure out if the ducks are symbolic or if the sandwich is. I erase stuff. I don’t know. I cry a little more. I have the capacity to carry children and sometimes this causes me to act like a psychopath.
    When I turn on the TV, Pfeiffer appears smiling naturally, hair bouncing. I turn the TV off