Expecting Jeeves by P. G. Wodehouse Read Free Book Online

been meant for a practical joke,” I said. “What?”
    This suggestion didn’t seem to please the old boy.
    â€œI trust,” he said, “I am not deficient in an appreciation of the humorous, but I confess that I am at a loss to detect anything akin to pleasantry in the outrage. The action was beyond all question that of a mentally unbalanced subject These mental lesions may express themselves in almost any form. The Duke of Ramfurline, to whom I had occasion to allude just now, is under the impression — this is in the strictest confidence — that he is a canary; and his seizure to-day, which so perturbed Lord Alastair, was due to the fact that a careless footman had neglected to bring him his morning lump of sugar. Cases are common, again, of men waylaying women and cutting off portions of their hair. It is from a branch of this latter form of mania that I should be disposed to imagine that my assailant was suffering. I can only trust that he will be placed under proper control before he — Mr. Wooster, there
is
a cat close at hand! It is
not
in the street! The mewing appears to come from the adjoining room.”
    âˆ—
    This time I had to admit there was no doubt about it. There was a distinct sound of mewing coming from the next room. I punched the bell for Jeeves, who drifted in and stood waiting with an air of respectful devotion.
    â€œ Sir?”
    â€œOh, Jeeves,” I said. “Cats! What about it? Are there any cats in the flat?”
    â€œOnly the three in your bedroom, sir.”
    â€œWhat!”
    â€œCats in his bedroom!” I heard Sir Roderick whisper in a kind of stricken way, and his eyes hit me amidships like a couple of bullets.
    â€œWhat do you mean,” I said, “only the three in my bedroom?”
    â€œThe black one, the tabby, and the small lemon-coloured animal, sir.”
    â€œWhat on earth? —”
    I charged round the table in the direction of the door. Unfortunately, Sir Roderick had just decided to edge in that direction himself, with the result that we collided in the doorway with a good deal of force, and staggered out into the hall together. He came smartly out of the clinch and grabbed an umbrella from the rack.
    â€œStand back!” he shouted, waving it over his head. “Stand back, sir! I am armed!”
    It seemed to me that the moment had come to be soothing.
    â€œAwfully sorry I barged into you,” I said. “Wouldn’t have had it happen for worlds. I was just dashing out to have a look into things.”
    He appeared a trifle reassured, and lowered the umbrella. But just then the most frightful shindy started in the bedroom. It sounded as though all the cats in London, assisted by delegates from outlying suburbs, had got together to settle their differences once for all. A sort of augmented orchestra of cats.
    â€œThis noise is unendurable,” yelled Sir Roderick. “I cannot hear myself speak.”
    â€œI fancy, sir,” said Jeeves respectfully, “that the animals may have become somewhat exhilarated as the result of having discovered the fish under Mr. Wooster’s bed.”
    The old boy tottered.
    â€œFish! Did I hear you rightly?”
    â€œSir?”
    â€œDid you say that there was a fish under Mr. Wooster’s bed?”
    â€œYes, sir.”
    Sir Roderick gave a low moan, and reached for his hat and stick.
    â€œYou aren’t going?” I said.
    â€œMr. Wooster, I
am
going! I prefer to spend my leisure time in less eccentric society.”
    â€œBut I say. Here, I must come with you. I’m sure the whole business can be explained. Jeeves, my hat.”
    Jeeves rallied round. I took the hat from him and shoved it on my head.
    â€œGood heavens!”
    Beastly shock it was! The bally thing had absolutely engulfed me, if you know what I mean. Even as I was putting it on I got a sort of impression that it was a trifle roomy; and no sooner had I let go of it