Eyeheart Everything by Kevin Sampsell, Mykle Hansen, Ed Stastny, Kevin Kirkbride Read Free Book Online Page A

Office, has to escape and sneak around in all the secret passageways that only the President knows about, and kill all of the Arab space aliens, only they attach this deadly energy bomb to the United States Constitution, and the President has to disarm the bomb before it blows up the Constitution and the whole country reverts to a loose affiliation of nation-states, and then gets annexed by this other planet of the Arab space aliens who are apparently all Communists. It seems kind of stupid but I’ll probably go see it.

Two Eggs

    I would like two eggs. I wold like the eggs to be identical in every way, genetically that is, I mean to say that I would like two eggs laid by the same hen, simultaneously if that is possible or else one right after the other. They ought also to be weighed and measured for any deformity, and a suitable stress-test should be devised in order to screen out weakness that might later affect the meal. Several two-egg candidate pairs should be assembled just in case something bad happens.
    I would like the first egg scrambled, via ultrasound if possible. If there is no suitable ultrasonic egg scrambling apparatus, you may use twelve turns with a sterilized wooden spoon, heating the egg over a PH-neutral panlike cooking surface that is perfectly flat. Please take care to avoid excessive lumps.
    The second of my eggs should be buried in a pot of earth, PH-neutral earth, for a period of three days and three nights, the third of those nights coinciding with the full moon. Then, at midnight on the third night, I would like you to stand nude in a cemetery with tar smeared across your bare torso, holding the potted egg aloft, and I would like you to chant “Imalla Assaka Loba Doba Egg Foontella!” and then unearth the egg and prepare it in the usual fashion, as outlined above.
    Of course I would like sausages with my eggs. The Aeronautical Meat Sciences Board publishes a set of detailed specifications of various sizes and textures of sausage. The sausage I am hoping for is described in AMSB Document 01-3382-Sausage-J, and you can order that document for a small fee from the address printed on the back of this card. Once you have obtained the document, and attended an orientation and been certified in an official training session, you will be able to offer your other guests delicious AMSB 01-3382-Sausage-Js, and I think this will do a lot for your business. It may improve the clientele. The AMSB document specifies a list of acceptable meats, including pork shank, smoked carp, textured jerboa protein, Michigan Mock Steak, turkey-pork shoulder, and various others. I’ll let you surprise me. I would like two and one-half of these sausages, roasted over hot coals. I’m sure you know what I mean when I say “hot coals,” don’t you?
    A breakfast such as I am specifying would be useless without home-fried potatoes. Because my own home is far away across the ocean, I think it will be acceptable if you fry the potatoes in the home of my Aunt. I have been staying with her this week. She lives only a mile from here, and her kitchen, though small, is quaint and PH-neutral. Her name is Edna. She will demand to know all about you, of course, especially your romantic life. Edna is a very lonely old woman. But you must tell her nothing. She will want to assist you in the home-frying of the potatoes, but don’t let her. She is not a professional, like you. I have laid aside four potatoes for home-frying, they are in a sealed cryogenic container in a briefcase wrapped in plastic in the cold-storage freezer in the sub-basement of Aunt Edna’s house. It’s very dark down there, and there are a lot of things to bump into. You can locate the cold-storage freezer by its telltale sickly buzz-hum. There’s no light inside the freezer either, but the briefcase is to the left, wrapped in plastic. I have no idea what those other things are in there, and I certainly don’t want them introduced into my potatoes. Simply boil the