Family - The Ties That Bind...And Gag! by Erma Bombeck Read Free Book Online

dried. She put away. All of this in fifteen seconds and at great expense to the management.
    All three, however, had one trait in common. The moment the meal was over, a biological urgency would come over them and they would disappear into the bathroom until they were sure the food on the plates was in a solid state.
    It was a game they played. Would Mom sigh her martyrdom sigh and say, “Never mind, I'll do them myself,” and when they emerged from the bathroom the kitchen would be sparkling and the dishes done?
    Or would Mom fake 'em out and they would be in the kitchen giving a prime time performance to no one?
    It was an act that was always held over. Yet, to this day they can't hear a dish rattle without instinctively going into the bathroom and locking the door.
     
    WHO KILLED THE HOME-COOKED McMEAL?
    In retrospect, it was only a matter of time before the Family Dinner Hour passed into history and fast foods took over. I knew its days were numbered the day our youngest propped my mouth open with a fork and yelled into it, “I want a cheeseburger and two fries and get it right this time.” I just didn't serve meals with show business pizzazz.
    My pot roast gave way to pizza served in a derby hat and cane. My burgers couldn't compete with the changing numbers under the Golden Arches. I couldn't even do chicken ... right!
    So, day by day I watched the family go outside of the home for meals where there were no tables to set and no clean hands required, and where green was not considered a happy color. The warm smells of Mother's kitchen gave way to the back seat of a station wagon littered with supermarket flyers, dry cleaning, schoolbooks, ropes, chains, jumper cables, and dog hairs.
    The old rules for eating at home—sit up straight, chew your food, and don't laugh with cottage cheese in your mouth—didn't fit the new ambiance. A new set of rules emerged.
    When ordering from the back seat of the car, do not cup your mouth over Daddy's car and shout into it. Wait quietly until you are asked what you want. Follow this with “thank you.”
    Never order more than you can balance between your knees. Remember, ice that spills between your legs dampens not only spirit... as it were. If by some chance you receive a sandwich that is not yours, do not spit on it and throw it on the floor. Simply pass it back to the driver of the car and tell him a mistake has been made.
    Front-of-the-car seating is better than back seat if you have a choice. The dashboard offers space for holding beverages. However, these are reseived for parents who have seniority in the family.
    Conversation while dining in a car should be restricted to school happenings, future social events, and a polite exchange about noncontroversial issues. It is quite improper to carry on a discourse as to what the secret sauce reminds you of.
    Eat with your legs together at all times. Unless the car windows are tinted, there should be no physical exchange between diners in the back seat.
    Remember, you are basically dining in public. That means no French fries hung from the nose. Very few diners will find this amusing. Despite the fact that facilities in the car are limited, there is no reason why it should be a major McMess. Afterward, each person should be responsible for his/her trash and should contain it in a bag. Two-weck-old onion rings in the ashtray are not a pretty sight.
    Why did the home-cooked meal become extinct? Maybe because it deserved to die. I got to the point where I couldn't even get the family to the table at one time. When I announced, "Dinnnnner!” the entire family swung into action like a precision drill team of Viennese Lippizaners. For no apparent reason, my husband would exit to the bathroom with two volumes on Churchill, one child would pick up the telephone and dial a random number, another would grab a basketball and go outside to shoot baskets, and one of them would take a bus somewhere.
    When Donna Reed first invented the dinner