Fat Chance by Nick Spalding Read Free Book Online

my wife and I make our excuses to everyone. Most people look like they believe the bad shoulder story, but I’m sure they know the real reason we’re leaving with such haste. The permanent red flush of embarrassment on my face is a dead giveaway.
    ‘You sure know how to fuck up a party!’ Ali comments as I grab our coats.
    ‘Thanks, mate,’ I say, not entirely keeping the hurt out of my vo ice.
    ‘Ah, don’t worry about it,’ he adds. ‘I got so drunk at a party once I threw up over the record player. People were ducking to avoid the sick as it spun off the turntable.’
    ‘Lovely.’
    ‘Bloody hilarious, it was.’ Ali grins and slaps me on the back. ‘I’ll see you in the pub Sunday, you big dickhead.’
    And with that, he turns and hurries back to the alcohol ta ble, no d oubt to take advantage of the fact that everyone else is distracted .
    ‘So sorry to see you leave,’ Eileen says by the front door, with a grimace.
    ‘Yeah, hope that shoulder is alright,’ Roger adds, having come away from his repairs to see us off.
    ‘It’ll be fine,’ I tell them. ‘Thank you for having us . . . and apologies once again.’
    Roger waves his hand. ‘Don’t worry about it. It’ll make a great story in the future!’
    Oh yes. I can’t wait to hear you telling everyone at work, Roger.
    Zoe says her goodbyes as well, and we make our way back to the car in silence.
    ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ I say as she opens her mouth.
    ‘Okay, baby,’ Zoe replies and strokes my arm as I start the engine.
    I feel such a combination of shame, regret, and humiliation as we drive home. It is a wonder I don’t crash the car into the nearest wall.
    So there you go.
    That’s why I’ve agreed to do this stupid competition.
    I just can’t keep living like this.
    If doing what Zoe wants means I can go to a party without destroying half the furniture, then I’ll be a happy man.
    Besides, it might put that smile back on her face, and I haven’t seen it in such a long time.
    Nonetheless, I still have deep, deep reservations about the whole thing.
    I guess only time will tell.

ZOE’S WEIGHT LOSS DIARY
    Tuesday, April 8th
    13 stone, 10 pounds (11 pounds lost)
    I ’m starting to think this was a really bad idea.
    We’ve had a month to get used to being on our diets, and in the glare of the local media. If the rest of the competition goes the way these first few weeks have, I may need to check into the nearest psychiatric hospital imminently. I’m all for dropping five stone, but not at the expense of my mental health, thank you very much.
    The actual diet bit of the competition is relatively straightforward. I was expecting to be under the constant watchful eye of some kind of horrendous personal trainer, but Stream want our weight loss programmes to be similar to the type an average audience member would be able to manage, which means going it alone to a large extent. Of course, we have the carrot of fifty grand dangled in front of us. I’m pretty sure most people would stick to a diet better if they had that kind of motivation. I’ll trade an extended stomach for an extended house any day of the week.
    I was slightly disconcerted by the amount of paperwork we had to sign at the start of the whole process. Lots of indemnities and contractual stuff I probably should have read more closely before putting down my signature. I have no doubt that at least some of it stipulated that Stream could not be held responsible if I starve myself to death or if blow an artery during exercise.
    While the diet is straightforward and pretty much under my control, my new-found local celebrity is anything but.
    The first time I saw my face on a billboard in town was so exquisitely dreadful that it almost reduced me to tears. I knew they’d be using our likenesses for advertising and promotion when I signed the contract to be part of the show, but I thought it would be largely confined to the website and some of the local papers. I