Feelin' the Vibe by Candice Dow Read Free Book Online

the bathroom, but I didn’t want to get up.
     I wished I could summon the toilet to my bedside. Nearly rolling onto the floor, I stepped out of bed and staggered into the
     bathroom. When I pulled down my panties, I nearly fainted and my chest tightened. I panted as I stared at the clumps of blood
     pouring from me. It looked like a heavy period, and if that was the case, I was no longer pregnant. My heart shattered into
     tiny little pieces and the tears sat trapped in my eyes. I couldn’t yell. I couldn’t move. I just sat there, stunned, rocking
     back and forth, wondering: Why did it have to be me? Why would this be my Christmas present?
    When I got myself together, I cleaned everything up and hopped in the shower. By this time it was close to five in the morning.
     Cramps still had me crippled over as I stumbled back into my room. I climbed in bed beside Kenneth and watched him sleep,
     waiting for the sunrise to tell him that we’d lost the baby at the near eight-week mark. Looking at him rest peacefully finally
     made me cry. He had no clue what he would awake to. The moment the sun peeked into our bedroom, I shook him.
    He squirmed. “Yeah.”
    “We lost the baby last night.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “I woke up with cramps and I came on my period.”
    “That’s impossible,” he said, sitting up.
    “It’s very possible.”
    “This is unreal.”
    “No, it’s very real.”
    Finally, he said, “Are you okay?”
    “I’m in a lot of pain.”
    “Should we go to the doctor’s?”
    “It’s probably a good idea.”
    When we got up, we went straight to Dr. Battle’s office. He confirmed what I’d already known and he performed a D & C, which
     felt like he was removing my insides. After the procedure, he spoke with us and told us that it would be best to try in about
     three months. Kenneth listened intently, while I stared out the window.
Try again
was no longer in my vocabulary.
    On the ride home, I found the courage to say, “Kenneth, I’m done. I’m not going to try again.”
    He rested his hand on my knee. “You’re just emotional right now. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
    “It has nothing to do with emotions. I don’t want to put my mind or my body through this anymore.”
    “You’ll feel different in a few months.”
    “I can promise you that I won’t. I thought about this a million different times in a million different ways and I still feel
     the same. I’m done.”
    “Are you saying you’re giving up? You don’t want kids? You’ve always wanted kids.”
    “I don’t have to give birth to be a mother. I’ve been a mother to Mia and Morgan, and I don’t have to be anyone’s biological
     mother.”
    He grimaced. “You saying you want to adopt?”
    “Yes.”
    “Hell, no. I’m not having it.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “What do I do for a living?” he shouted.
    I frowned, because I didn’t know where he was going. He said, “Talk to a bunch of nutcases all day and half of them are adopted.
     Messed up. Confused. Lost to the point of no return.”
    The subject seemed to have opened up some sores that I didn’t know were there. “Kenneth, get the hell out of here. All your
     clients weren’t adopted.”
    “Adopted. Abandoned. Foster care. Their parents don’t want them. It doesn’t matter if they get substitute parents. They’re
     still messed up. I’m not adopting. If you don’t want to try again, we just won’t have kids.”
    I was in complete shock. How could a man that is supposed to be helping people say this? He didn’t know what the hell he was
     talking about. I always felt he cared about his clients, but I couldn’t believe my ears. Maybe he was just angry and wanted
     to drive his point home about not adopting. If that was the case, that would make Mia a basket case. Her mother abandoned
     her. Could this have been buried animosity from that situation? I didn’t know where it stemmed from, but I felt that he was
     a complete jerk.
    I