Finding Never by C. M. Stunich Read Free Book Online Page A

eyes hurt, but I'm not through yet. This has
to happen, I have to bleed this pain from my body or else it will
poison me. Whoever says that crying is weak is obviously just a
fucked up individual. It takes all of my strength to stand here and
cry, to admit to myself that yes, I am sad, and yes, that is
o-fucking-kay.
    “ I
did!” Beth says, but that's all she can say because she's so
busy squeezing the life out of me. “And I took a thousand
pictures so you could follow every painful step.” I laugh as
Beth takes my face between her hands and looks me in the eyes. “I
knew you'd come back,” she whispers. “And I am sorry. I
am so, so sorry.” I take a huge breath, pull Beth's perfume
into my lungs and say the words I have to say, the ones that have
been sitting inside of me all along, the ones that were so angry to
be there that they convinced me to do things I shouldn't do. I let
the little monsters out, and I am more than happy to be rid of them.
    “ I
forgive you.”
    I feel Ty smile behind me, don't ask how. I just know that he's
standing there and that he's proud. I step back and feel like I
should say something to Beth about him, like it's weird if I don't.
She sees me step back and her eyes move to Ty's face. She looks at
him and I can see what she's thinking. This man is no good for my
sister. This is the kind of guy that lies, that cheats on you when
your back is turned, that's hot as hell in the bedroom, that's like
fire to your ice, but who will melt you the first chance he gets. I
forgive her her judgments because I used to have them, too, but I
know – or at least I think – that Ty isn't that way
anymore. He's changed me, and I've changed him.
    “ Beth,”
I begin just as I hear tires on the driveway. It's my other demon.
My big one. “This is … ” I hold out my hand to
indicate Ty in all his dark, twisted glory. “This is my …
this is my Ty.” Beth smiles.
    “ Nice
to meet you, Ty,” she finally says as Lettie grabs my arm and
drags me back into the kitchen talking about rolls she made with
India and how fluffy they are. Lorri is talking, too, and Darla is
yelling, and there's just chaos everywhere. I'm not used to it, not
anymore. There was once upon a time where I couldn't sleep without
this noise all around me, this wild chaos, this mix of souls brushing
against one another for the briefest of moments, but then I moved
away and all I knew was loneliness. I knew how to connect my body
with somebody else's, but I forgot about the rest of it. Slowly, oh
so slowly, I start to remember.
    “ Help
me through this?” I whisper to Ty, not realizing how much I
need him in that moment. He presses the warm heat of his body
against my back and bites my ear, just a quick nip before my sisters
see, just a touch that paralyzes my whole being and gives me goose
bumps.
    “ You've
got me as long as you need me.”

9
    Beth
herds me and Ty into the kitchen and sits us down, afraid of my
mother's reaction. Because she's so emotional, because she's so
happy to see me, Beth thinks that my mother will be, too. She highly
overestimates the woman.
    My
mother walks in with a pair of grocery bags in either hand. She
doesn't see me at first. There are so many people in the kitchen
that I can't really blame her. A sea of familiar faces surrounds me,
girls and women with the same small, pointy noses, curved
lips, and hazel eyes. We've all come from her, were born from her
womb, and yet, we mean less to her than she means to herself. I
don't think that's the way the world's supposed to work. How are you
supposed to put yourself out there when there's nobody standing
behind you? I thought the purpose of having parents was so that
there was always someone there that loved you for you. Guess I was
wrong.
    “ Sorry,
I'm late,” she says as my sister, Beth, takes the bags from her
hands with a sloppy smile and eyes full of tears. My mother pauses
and looks her in the face for a long moment. She's wearing a