it in the Terrible Pool of Vestor. Only that can dissolve the cage and set him free, and then I can return him to his previous form.â
âAnd talking of magic,â said Barry Trubshaw, âwhat about your promise? When do I get to be tall, dark and handsome and all the other cool stuff?â
âI will make you tall,â said Mordonna. âStand up.â
Barry Trubshaw stood up and hit his head again.
âI will make you dark and handsome,â said Mordonna.
Barry Trubshaw looked in the mirror and fell in love with himself.
âThe charisma bit isnât so easy,â said Mordonna. âI mean, you are still called Barry and no one called Barry can ever be cool. Itâs one of the basic laws of the universe.â
âNo, no,â said Barry Trubshaw, âIâm not Barry. I am Sanguine, the Cool One.â
âYou are still Barry, though,â said Mordonna, âno matter what you call yourself.â
âCouldnât you change my name?â said Barry.
âOh yes, we could give you a new name,â said Mordonna. âHereâs one. Itâs dynamic, mysterious and a little exciting. You are now called Argon.â
âI like it,â said Barry, now totally unable to take his eyes off his reflection in the mirror.
âWell, actually, you are called Argon Barry, which is not cool, but Iâll tell you what I can do,â Mordonna added. âIâll give you a âduâ. You can be Argon duBarry.â
âOh yeah baby, that is really cool,â he said. âGood morning, I am Argon duBarry.â
âArenât you just,â said Betty.
âNo, no, listen. This is even better,â said Barry.â Bonjour, je suis Argon duBarry.â
âThe trouble is,â Mordonna continued, âthat, inside, you are still Barry Trubshaw. You are called Argon, but you will never truly be Argon. Still, donât worry about it. Compared to the weirdos youâve collected here, even being plain Barry youâre cooler than they are. Itâs all relative.â
âSo have I got this charisma thing now?â said Barry Trubshaw.
âCompared to your followers you are super-sophisticated,â said Mordonna.
âFar out,â said Argon duBarry, not realising that his name now made him sound like a third-rate hairdresser.
âFar out indeed,â said Mordonna.
As the Floods packed up to leave, Argon duBarry Trubshaw Sanguine Cool One summoned his followers to the Stamping Ground.
âWe will gather in half an hour,â he said from the darkness of his yurt.
âBut it doesnât get dark for three hours, oh great master,â said Nameless.
âI know,â said Argon duBarry Trubshaw Sanguine Cool One. âThe time has come for me to expose myself to you all.â
Some of the younger Namelesses giggled.
âSo much for love and peace and all that Karma stuff,â said Mordonna as they drove off back down the track away from Nowhere. âTime we went somewhere.â
The Hearse Whisperer was still waiting. She had sent seventeen rats, four mice and a shrew down the magic time gate to Belgium, where 35 per cent of them were now leading new and exciting lives while 65 per cent were being scraped off tram wheels.
Not long now , she thought, looking down into the volcano. Iâd better start preparing my surprise welcome .
And then it began to snow.
âWhere are we going?â said Betty when they left the track from Nowhere and got back on the road.
âWell, obviously we have to go to the Terrible Pool of Vestor,â said the Queen. âTo remove the enchantment from my beloved Vessel.â
âF@@#XXX!!!!£,â swore Vessel, followed by, âGR!!***&8¢¢KK*! Mackerel, Mackerel, Mackerel F$$**!! Organiser!!!â
âThatâs enough of that,â said Mordonna. âThere are children present.â
âIt was them I learnt the words