Fowlers End by Gerald Kersh Read Free Book Online Page A

Force for killing a docker. He lacked imagination, said Sam Yudenow, but was very good at keeping order. Before the three minutes were up Left-Handed Hopkins was running for the tram stop. He never came back.
    “This Irisher give ‘im a Liverpool Kiss. You know what it is, a Liverpool Kiss? Make a quick grab for the lapels o’ the coat, an’ pull somebody forward. At the same time bunt ‘im in the face miv the top o’ your ‘ead an’ kick ‘im in the balls miv your knee. Naturally ‘e falls forward. While ‘e’s falling, punch ‘im in the jaw miv all your might so he gradually falls dahn senseless. Then, at your leisure, kick ‘im in the ‘ead. Naturally, I don’t want you should do such things.... Well, the police was called an’ they tell this O’Toole to go away he should stay away. But two days later so ‘e comes back miv a mob ruffians from the fulsuric acid factory to smash the show up. I got a new manager by then. ‘E used to fight by the name o’ Kid Knuckles. So this O’Toole goes for ‘im miv two razors an’ cuts ‘is face to shreds. For this, O’Toole got nine months—’e got a record for such carryings-on. The police ‘ad to break three cruncheons on ‘is ‘ead and even then ‘e fell dahn only because ‘e slipped in the blood.... I was sorry for Kid Knuckles; but that’s show biz. The show must go on! Well, they got the cuffs on this O’Toole an’ took ‘im away, but before ‘e went ‘e said, Tm coming back to murder you, you old bastard, and I’ll bum your effing show down to the effing ground; eff me if I don’t, you old effer!’And confidentially between us, there was something about that fellow I didn’t like.
    “Yes, I been unlucky in my managers. After that, there was Booligan, an’ your worst enemies shouldn’t ‘ave ‘alf a quarter the trouble that bugger got me into! But I think I’ll be lucky miv you. If O’Toole comes in, act first! And don’t be too gentlemanly miv ‘im. ‘E carries razors, ‘e’s got a criminal record. ‘E did a feller in once in Glasgow only ‘e got away miv it. There’s a mallet in the cashier’s box. You ‘ave my permission to use it on O’Toole. You needn’t worry if you kill that one. Be firm. Command respect.... Now I want you should see the stage an’ the lighting system.”
    Now at the front of the hall there was a screen, on either side of which hung plush curtains, originally peach-colored but tinted by time and the atmosphere to the variegated shades of a black eye. Sam Yudenow explained that if I pulled the right string at the right time, these curtains would come together with the rush of a storm, covering the screen and thereby turning the Pantheon into a Palace of Variety. “Pull the wrong string,” he said, “an’ the ‘ole bleeding lot is likely as not to come dahn an’ smother you. An’ then the bastards in the fi’penny seats will very likely come out miv a box matches an’ set you alight just out of spite. So you want to watch out for that. Can you whistle through your teef? ... No? You’ll learn. Better, you see, because while you’re ‘andling the curtains miv the right ‘and, an’ the light switches miv the left up front, you ain’t got much time to sign miv the buzzer back.... the ‘all three quick buzzes for the spotlights. For the band to start, kick on the partition an’ tip the wink to the piano leader. Whereas, you got to get your turns up on the stage at the same time. As long as you realize this ain’t the opera ‘ouse you’ll beall right.... It’d be better if you could whistle through your teef. Better buy a dog whistle. In show biz it comes in ‘andy.

    “Yes,” said Sam Yudenow, lighting a cigar, “not only is this Pantheon of mine the only show in Fowlers End, it’s also the best. Work it out for yourself. For fi’pence, eightpence or tenpence from twelve o’clock in the morning till six o’clock in the evening I give the swine two full-length features, three