Geekhood by Andy Robb Read Free Book Online

worldly-wise wag of his head and the “I see through you” chuckle that accompanies each of my attempts to explain away the situation as casually as possible. I’m not helped by the fact that my EM has gone into warp-drive, causing my face to glow like a Hallowe’en pumpkin. But what’s even more worrying are Tony’s attempts at complimenting me on my choice of girl (like I’ve mail-ordered her or something). To hear the man who is living with my mother describing a teenage girl as “a cracker” does make me wish that Tony’s car had an ejector seat. His or mine – I don’t care. I realize that this is an attempt at bonding, but the only palpable results are my nails digging into my palms and my toes bunching up in my trainers.  
    “So when do we get to meet her?”  
    IM: What a great idea, Tony! I’ll bring her round to the house so that she can listen to your pointless comments about life and then, to round it off, we’ll go and set fire to ourselves in the garden!
    “Dunno.” I’m running out of energy.
    “Why don’t you get her round one night, after school? I’ll cook dinner and we can all have a laugh.”
    IM: ARE YOU MENTAL?
    “Yeah … I dunno… We’ll see how it goes.” I’m running perilously close to accepting his offer, which would be a disaster.
    “Have you told your mum yet?”
    “Told her what?”
    “About your girlfriend.”
    “But she’s not… No.” I give up.
    “Well, let’s get back and give her the good news.”
    Jesus, this is getting out of hand. All I was doing was getting a pint of milk and now I seem to be the centre of some Carnival of Love! The thought of facing my mum and telling her that I’ve got a girlfriend – which I haven’t – is too much to consider. I really need to get a grip; all it is is a girl coming round to the house. OK, it’s the first time – but it had to happen eventually, even by the Law of Averages. And I’m the first to admit I’m pretty average.
    “She’ll be chuffed for you.”
    And then I see his little game. He signals it to me without knowing – a little grin to himself, a subtle change in his demeanour. Me having a girlfriend would justify his existence. It suddenly makes sense. People get together. If I can do it, then there’s no reason why my mum can’tdo it. Tony’s presence in my life would be entirely justified. A sneaky, shameful part of me realizes that if that were the case, I’d have nothing to rail against. I’d have to accept him. The house is getting closer and I don’t want to go there right now.
    IM: Bail out! Bail out!
    “Oh! I’ve just remembered! I’m supposed to be meeting the guys down at the Hovel. Could you drop me there?” With a bit of luck, Tony’s inherent laziness will instantly dismiss the idea of driving back into town and he’ll make some excuse and stop the car. Then I can get out and the interrogation will end.
    “Sure thing, partner. Don’t worry – I’ll prime your mum.”
    IM: Partner? And so it begins. Tony’s acceptance into the fold starts here .
    Ordinarily at this point, I would want to die. Today, however, I want Tony to. Even if he has miraculously decided to drive me into town.
    We pull up outside the Hovel and I hand over the milk and get out of the car, my EM throwing a casual wave at my stepfather as he speeds off. The way this is all panning out is making me tired; I need to clear my head. The Hovel’s the best place I can think of.
    Although it’s a Sunday, there are quite a few people in here. Some old-school metal is blazing away in thebackground, screaming something about running to the hills.
    Whoever’s singing has captured my mood perfectly and the thought of just vanishing is an attractive one. I could get a little backpack together, with my trusty walking staff, and just wander into the countryside, like Frodo Baggins. But I don’t have a backpack or a staff and the Black Rider that hunts me owns a BMW. Plus I couldn’t do it to Mum.
    Another