Great Apes by Will Self Read Free Book Online Page B

followed up the lightning attack by vaulting off his chair and planting both his large feet full in the small of Gambol’s back.
    â€œWraaf!” barked the eminent psychiatrist, and then bending down and grabbing him by the scruff he signed on the muzzle of the epsilon male with his left foot, ‘Shut the fuck down, Gambol, you little piece of shit. When I want you muscling in on my second breakfast, you miserable subordinate creep, I’ll ask you to, but for now just shut the fuck down! “Waaa”!’
    â€˜I’m sorry, boss, I’m sorry,’ Gambol flourished frantically, his darting hands emerging from the pod of his crouching body. ‘I didn’t mean “eek-eek” to annoy you so much, please don’t beat up on me, please. ’ He half squatted and presented to Busner, his scut quivering.
    â€˜That’s all right, honey-bunny, I didn’t mean to hit you so hard, wassums,’ Busner gestured, grunting softly. ‘You’re still my favourite itty-bitty research assistant. ’ He reached out a hand, still roaring with pain after the blow hehad inflicted, and tenderly stroked Gambol’s ruffled back fur. For a while Busner groomed Gambol, removing some particles of what looked like solidified correction fluid from the thick fur between the epsilon’s shoulder blades.
    Typical young intellectual on the make, Busner thought as he opened up parting after parting in Gambol’s fur. Doesn’t groom enough, doesn’t mate enough. Why, without his position as my factotum I don’t think he’d have any designation in the hierarchy, let alone epsilon. He finished off this purely formal groom of reassurance with a tweak of Gambol’s nape hair.
    Gambol moved away from the table, still presenting, his hands flickering from behind his back. ‘Thank you, Zack, thank you, I acknowledge your suzerainty. I admire your eminence, I revere your reign over the group, your anal scrag enfolds us all “grnnn”.’
    â€˜Get the car out of the garage, Gambol,’ Busner snapped. ‘We’ll go to the hospital in about twenty minutes, as soon as I’ve finished my second breakfast. ’ Busner pulled himself back up on to his chair and resumed munching on some sloes, mashing the bitter juice of the berries through his strong molars, savouring it. He turned once more to the
Guardian
, and with an ease borne of long experience, shut his large and gnarled ears to the hubbub of the kitchen, the squeals of infants, pants of copulating adults and neighing of lap ponies.
    It took quite a lot longer than twenty minutes for Zack Busner to finish his second breakfast. The milkmale dropped that fortnight’s bill in, cause enough for another round of mating, as was the arrival home of Dave 2, another of Busner’s offspring, who worked for a bonobocommunity organisation in Hackney. By the time all the males present had covered Charlotte and Cressida again it was getting on for ten.
    â€˜I’m off now, dear,’ Busner signed to Charlotte, who was still crouching on the stairs, her vagina bleeding a little. ‘Try not to overdo the mating, remember what happened last oestrus. “Grnnn” I shouldn’t be too late. In fact, I think I’ll come back after my lecture, I’d like to do some reading at home this afternoon. “H’huuu”?’ he enquired.
    â€˜OK, Zack, but you know how hard it is to refuse them, and there’s so many sub-adult males in the house, what is one to d –’ She stopped wringing her hands. One of the sub-adult males in question, William, was waving a couple of tea towels around, trying to get Charlotte’s attention with this pathetic courtship display.
    Busner considered William. The young male was shaping up very nicely, sleek brown-black fur, fine eyebrow ridges, tidily recessed nasal bridge, pale muzzle – every inch the Busner. “HoooGrnn,”