Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality by Eliezer Yudkowsky Read Free Book Online

in Ravenclaw House if the hat isn’t screaming too loudly for the rest of us to make out any words, end quote.”
    “Wow,” said Draco Malfoy, sounding slightly impressed. The boy gave a sort of wistful sigh. “Your flattery was great, or I thought so, anyway - you’d do well in Slytherin House, too. Usually it’s only my father who gets that sort of grovelling. I’m
hoping
the other Slytherins will suck up to me now I’m at Hogwarts… I guess this is a good sign, then.”
    Harry coughed. “Actually, sorry, I’ve got no idea who you are really.”
    “
Oh come on!
” the boy said with fierce disappointment. “Why’d you go and do that, then?” Draco’s eyes widened with sudden suspicion. “And how do you
not
know about the Malfoys? And what are those
clothes
you’re wearing? Are your parents
Muggles?
”
    “Two of my parents are dead,” Harry said. His heart twinged. When he put it that way - “My other two parents are Muggles, and they’re the ones that raised me.”
    “
What?
” said Draco. “Who
are
you?”
    “Harry Potter, pleased to meet you.”
    “
Harry Potter?
” gasped Draco. ”
The
Harry -” and the boy cut off abruptly.
    There was a brief silence.
    Then, with bright enthusiasm, “Harry Potter?
The
Harry Potter? Gosh, I’ve always wanted to meet you!”
    Draco’s attendant emitted a sound like she was strangling but kept on with her work, lifting Draco’s arms to carefully remove the chequered robe.
    “Shut up,” Harry suggested.
    “Can I have your autograph? No, wait, I want a picture with you first!”
    “Shut
up
shut
up
shut
up.
”
    “I’m just so
delighted
to meet you!”
    “Burst into flames and die.”
    “But you’re Harry Potter, the glorious saviour of the wizarding world! Everyone’s hero, Harry Potter! I’ve always wanted to be just like you when I grow up so I can -”
    Draco cut off the words in mid-sentence, his face freezing in absolute horror.
    Tall, white-haired, coldly elegant in black robes of the finest quality. One hand gripping a silver-handled cane which took on the character of a deadly weapon just by being in that hand. His eyes regarded the room with the dispassionate quality of an executioner, a man to whom killing was not painful, or even deliciously forbidden, but just a routine activity like breathing.
    That was the man who had, just that moment, strolled in through the open door.
    “Draco,” said the man, low and very angry, “
what
are you
saying?
”
    In one split second of sympathetic panic, Harry formulated a rescue plan.
    “Lucius Malfoy!” gasped Harry Potter. “
The
Lucius Malfoy?”
    One of Malkin’s assistants had to turn away and face the wall.
    Coolly murderous eyes regarded him. “Harry Potter.”
    “I am so, so honoured to meet you!”
    The dark eyes widened, shocked surprise replacing deadly threat.
    “Your son has been telling me
all
about you,” Harry gushed on, hardly even knowing what was coming out of his mouth but just talking as fast as possible. “But of course I knew about you all before then, everyone knows about you, the great Lucius Malfoy! The most honoured laureate of all the House of Slytherin, I’ve been thinking about trying to get into Slytherin House myself just because I heard you were in it as a child -”
    “
What are you saying, Mr. Potter?
” came a near-scream from outside the shop, and Professor McGonagall burst in a second later.
    There was such pure horror on her face that Harry’s mouth opened automatically, and then blocked on nothing-to-say.
    “Professor McGonagall!” cried Draco. “Is it really you? I’ve heard so much about you from my father, I’ve been thinking of trying to get Sorted into Gryffindor so I can -”
    “
What?
” bellowed Lucius Malfoy and Professor McGonagall in perfect unison, standing side-by-side. Their heads swivelled to look at each other in duplicate motions, and then the two recoiled from one another as though performing a synchronised dance.
    There