Has Anyone Seen My Pants? by Sarah Colonna Read Free Book Online

aren’t meant to be.”
    A s we packed for the airport the next day, we decided to go have one last morning margarita before heading out. We got our favorite seats by the pool and the waiter brought us drinks that we didn’t even have to order.
    “I love this place,” I told Jackie as I dipped my toes in the pool.
    “Me too,” she agreed.
    “Thanks for coming with me. I know you have a boyfriend who you could go on vaca—”
    “Shut up,” Jackie interrupted. “I had a blast and just because I have a boyfriend doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time away with you.”
    “I know; I just hope you didn’t come because you feel sorry for me. Like you know I don’t have a guy to go with so you told Brandon you had to come with me so I don’t kill myself or something.”
    Jackie laughed. “I already told you, you could ‘have a guy’ if you want one. You’re just not looking. I know you say you are, but you’re not. I’m also not worried about it. You’re going to be fine; you always are. You put a lot of work into having thecareer you’ve always wanted, and when you’re ready you’ll put the same amount of work into your personal life. Plus I think being single for a while is a good thing.”
    “Wow. You really think that?”
    “I really think that.”
    “Thanks, Jackie. That means a lot. I actually think being single is really good right now, too. I just sometimes wonder if I like being single too much . . .” I started to tear up.
    “There’s no crying in Cabo,” Jackie said.
    I laughed. “True. But there is fingering!”
    “Spring break, woooo!” Jackie chimed in.
    As we got ready to leave, I got a text alert that my flight was delayed two hours. Jackie was on a different flight and hers was on time.
    “Go ahead, I’m gonna stay here for a little bit longer,” I told her. “I don’t want to sit at that terrible airport that long by myself.”
    Jackie and I hugged and had a stranger take one more Instagram photo of us, and then she took off.
    I decided I was hungry, so I walked up to the restaurant to grab some lunch while I awaited further notice on my flight.
    “How many?” the waiter asked me as he looked behind me, expecting to see someone else.
    “Uno , ” I replied.
    “Only uno ?”
    “Yes, only uno ,” I said proudly, and he walked me to my table without saying another word.

What Ails Me?
    I find that the older I get, the more time I spend on WebMD researching a variety of possible ailments, real or imagined, and diagnosing myself. Recently, I convinced myself that I was suffering from early-onset menopause. I was just shy of turning thirty-nine at the time, so I knew that it would be super -early-onset menopause, but I found myself sweating profusely at night, and the only possible explanation for waking up in a pool of sweat that made sense based on my Internet search was “the change of life.” I sat in my gynecologist’s office and explained to my doctor, whom I have been going to for about fifteen years, that even though I was only thirty-eight years and three hundred forty-seven days old, I was experiencing the inevitable end of my menstrual cycle and thus, my youth.
    “Well, if that’s the case, you’re experiencing it very, very early . . . but it can happen.”
    “I knew it,” I said, satisfied with my keen self-diagnosis.
    “I didn’t say it was happening to you, I just said it can happen. But it isn’t that common. What exactly are your symptoms?”
    “I wake up in pools of sweat. Like I-need-to-change-the-sheets-the-next-day kind of sweat. I mean, I don’t actually change them but I should.”
    “Okay, what else?” she asked.
    “That’s it.”
    “That’s it?”
    “Isn’t that enough? Who sweats when they sleep? It’s not like it’s hard work.”
    “Well, have you tried turning on your air conditioner?” she said jokingly.
    “Ha ha, very funny. Seriously, it’s obviously menopause. Can you give me something to slow it down? Or