Hazards by Mike Resnick Read Free Book Online

explained. “I visited them.”
    “That must be a mighty strict country,” I said. “Most places don’t usually issue arrest warrants for visiting relatives.”
    “It was a very pleasant visit,” said Horace. “We spent a lot of time together, they showed me the sights, we ate at some wonderful restaurants.” He paused. “Robbing those seven banks was just an afterthought. I didn’t even need the money from the last five. It’s just that once you start, it’s…well…habit-forming.”
    “It’s a tragic and touching story, but let’s get back to the subject at hand and see if I got this straight,” I said. “There ain’t no warrants out for you in Venezuela or Columbia or Ecuador, right?”
    “And Bolivia,” he said as Doctor Mirbeau came back with the cash. “Don’t forget Bolivia.”
    I took the money and the ring and then walked to the front door and opened it. Damned near every animal on the island was lined up there facing it, except for the jaguar that was looking down from the roof. Doctor Mirbeau kind of cowered behind me.
    “I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve called you all here,” I said.
    “Cut the crap and give us Mirbeau!” said Ramon.
    “What’ll you do with him?” I asked.
    “We haven’t decided yet,” said Miguel. “But it’ll be grotesque.”
    “I got a better idea,” I said. “How’d you all like to be turned back into men and women again?”
    “He doesn’t know how!” said Felicity. “I heard him admit it to you!”
    “He doesn’t know how yet ,” I said. “He needs some more time and money to work on it.”
    “Where’s he going to get money?” said Miguel. “You can’t bleed a turnip, or pick the pocket of a bunch of animals who aren’t wearing any pants.”
    “ You’re going to earn it,” I said, “and it’ll be credited to your accounts against the day when he can actually change you back.”
    “Earn it?” repeated Ramon. “How?”
    “Felicity,” I said. “Tell me again why you stay here on the island.”
    “Because I’m the only elephant for thousands of miles around,” she said. “I’d draw attention wherever I go.”
    “I agree,” I said.
    “So she stands out in a crowd,” said Ramon. “What’s your point?”
    “It seems to me that as long as elephants and lions and talking animals are going to draw all that attention, there ain’t no reason why they should draw it for free,” I said. “You got a whole continent full of people what’ll pay good money to see what you been hiding instead of flaunting. You can turn this island into the most popular zoo and tourist destination in South America.”
    “That’s an interesting notion,” said Ramon. “But how will we get word out to the public?”
    “You’ll start with word of mouth in Venezuela, Columbia, Ecuador and Bolivia, and work up from there,” I said. “You just happen to have a spokesman and travel agent in your midst — at least as long as he sticks to rasslin’ arenas and maybe soccer stadiums what feature riots during halftime.”
    Doctor Mirbeau stepped forward and promised to stay if they agreed to the plan, since all he wanted was the money and privacy he needed to finish his research. The animals took a vote, and it passed unanimously, and that’s how the island became The Mirbeau 5-Star Spa, Resort, Menagerie, Circus and Petting Zoo.
    As for me, I had five thousand dollars and a diamond ring tucked away in my pocket, so I bade them all a fond farewell and headed to the river. Once I got there I remembered that Doctor Mirbeau had taken my boat away, and I was about to go hunting for it when a big alligator glided up to the shore. I took a couple of steps back, ready to run if it came after me.
    “Don’t be afraid, Doctor Jones,” it said. “My name is Victor Montez. I’ll ride shotgun for you while you swim across.”
    “Since you’re one of Doctor Mirbeau’s critters, how come you didn’t say nothing to me when I got here earlier