He Comes Next by Ian Kerner Read Free Book Online Page A

and assume he should want you just because, well, he has a penis !
     
    Dear Ian,
      My husband has little desire for sex and has been taking Viagra, but it’s just not working. He’s more upset than ever. What can he, we, do?
     
    —Kirsten, thirty-five, journalist
     
    Let me reassure you: I see this type of scenario all the time. Viagra works on the hydraulics of arousal, but not desire, itself. In fact, Viagra exacerbates the pernicious gap between actual desire and physical arousal, causing chronic abusers to focus on the mechanics of “getting it up and off” instead of figuring out whom and what turns them on. Properly used, it helps a guy achieve a hard-on when he can’t do so for physical reasons. Viagra does not, however, stimulate desire. Sometimes it can help nudge desire along, but sexual appetite begins in the brain. Viagra won’t make him want to have sex with you. For that, you have to look at your relationship. You must examine the level of excitement and erotic creativity you bring to your intimate encounters as well as other factors, such as stress, diet, and depression. Depending upon his age, he may also be experiencing male menopause (known as andropause), which is characterized by low testosterone levels and consequently low desire.
     
    A Bird in the Hand…
     
    I often deal with women who are frustrated by the fact that their husband or boyfriend claims to have no interest in sex, but then they catch him masturbating. They feel betrayed and lied to: “How could he say he has no desire when he masturbates? Clearly he has an interest in sex, just not with me, right ?”
    Wrong . The fact that he’s masturbating is a really positive sign: It means he still has a libido. He hasn’t lost interest in sex; it just means your relationship needs some sexual maintenance, a tune-up, perhaps a fuel injection. With a little creativity and a lot of communication, you can breathe new life into your tired old sex routines by learning how to explore what turns him and you on together (more of this to come in Part II).
    The truth is that when you fell in love, there were some very potent chemicals fueling the process and making desire a no-brainer. Now you have to work at it. But with that work (which is actually a whole lot of fun) comes a deepening of your relationship as well as a potentially more exciting, dynamic, and varied experience of sex. It may not be the euphoric, chemical-addled sex of infatuation, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be better or at least different.
    I meet so many couples in their fifties and sixties who insist that the sex they’re having now is better than ever before. Sure they’re the first to admit that sex has changed. But they also say that sex has become more creative and tender, less orgasm driven, more sensual, and ultimately intimate. Some of this has to do with the fact that as men age, their testosterone levels decrease, while estrogen levels increase. So he’s naturally discovering a softer side of sex. The men who are the happiest are the ones who ultimately accept and embrace these natural changes and discover new paths in their sexual journeys.
    People change. Relationships change. Why should sex stay the same?
    The fact that you may have taken desire for granted in the past is a mistake, an all-too common one that’s easily made (and rectified), with a little effort and determination. Why do you think so many divorces occur within the first five years of marriage? Because of the desire gap. In the next section, I’ll elaborate on the structural dynamics of the mating process. But for now, know that in general, relationships go through three phases that are genetically soft-wired into our relationship DNA. I say soft-wired because while I believe in the power and necessity of natural selection and determinism, I believe just as strongly in the power of social forces and free will. The truth is that humans are among the 3 percent of mammals that tend