Healing Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel Read Free Book Online

much), her mother would start to cry and say things like “I know you think I am a horrible mother” or “You’re just punishing me because I don’t make you the center of my universe.” Because of this Jackie came to believe that it was selfish of her to expect that her own needs should be met.
    Greg’s mother was completely overwhelmed with life. She didn’t seem to be able to function on her own without her husband or her son’s support. Greg’s father was frequently away at work as a traveling salesman, and his mother stayed in bed most of the time he was away, complaining of severe headaches. Instead of getting up in the morn- ing to make Greg’s breakfast, she would smile sweetly when he came into her bedroom in the morning and ask him if he minded getting her a cup of tea and some toast. Greg attempted to compensate for his mother’s personality deficiencies by solving her problems. Whenever she complained to him about not being able to get up to do the house- work or the grocery shopping, Greg volunteered to do it for her. When she worried that his father might be seeing other women when he was on the road, Greg reassured her that his father loved her and that he wouldn’t do such a thing. When she worried about losing her figure, he assured her that she was beautiful.
    Many children with alcoholic parents are burdened with the request—spoken or unspoken—to “take care of me.” These children find it necessary to make excuses for their parents’ behavior, assist them when they are drunk and falling down, and even get them med- ical help.
    Diana was the oldest child in an alcoholic family. From the time she was seven years old her parents left her in charge of her three younger siblings while they went to the bar at night. Later on, in her adolescence, her mother stopped drinking due to serious medical
    problems, so it became Diana’s job to drive her father to the bar and wait for him to come out so he wouldn’t get picked up for drunk driving.

    The Mirror Neglectful Parents Hold Up to Their Children
    You no doubt have seen news reports on the orphans in countries such as Hungary and Romania who stand or sit in their cribs looking ema- ciated and forlorn. Many of these children rock back and forth to comfort themselves. The reason they are in such bad shape is not because they are not being fed adequately; it is because they are not being held. An infant or child who is severely deprived of emotional nurturing, even though physically well cared for, can fail to thrive and eventually die. There is even a name for this condition. It is called marasmus . Physical nurturing is so important that even after these children are adopted by well-meaning American families, they con- tinue to suffer from severe problems, such as an inability to form an emotional bond with their parents, extreme acting out, and rage, depression, and radically low self-esteem.
    Less severe forms of early emotional deprivation usually result in babies who grow into anxious and insecure children who are slow to develop or have low self-esteem. A child who is physically or emotion- ally neglected will tend to be either extremely needy or extremely defensive. He or she may either exhibit clinging behavior and depend- ency or be unable to emotionally bond with others, as was the case with Susan. Child neglect often leads to aggressive behavior in chil- dren and continues into adulthood if not treated.

    Exercise: Identifying the Ways You Were Neglected
    Put a checkmark beside each item that describes how you were treated by your parents or other caregivers. My parent or parents:
Ignored me or did not respond to my needs when I was an infant or toddler, including leaving me in a crib or playpen too long or not changing my diapers.
Didn’t feed me or fed me food that was inadequate or inappropriate to a child’s nutritional needs. (This does not apply if your parents were impoverished.)
Forced me to feed myself before I was able or