Heavy Weather by P. G. Wodehouse Read Free Book Online Page A

Monty, will imagine that the coast is clear.'
    'God bless my soul!'
    'And apparently the coast will be clear. We must arrange that. From now on, Clarence, you must not loaf about the Empress openly. You must conceal yourself in the background. And you must instruct Pirbright to conceal himself in the background. This fellow must be led to suppose that vigilance has been relaxed. By these means, we shall catch him red-handed.'
    In Lord Emsworth's eye, as he gazed at his brother, there was the reverential look of a disciple at the feet of his master. He had always known, he told himself, that as a practical adviser in matters having to do with the seamier side of life the other was unsurpassed. It was the result, he supposed of the environment in which he had spent his formative years. Membership of the old Pelican Club might not elevate a man socially, but there was no doubt about its educative properties. If it dulled the moral sense, it undoubtedly sharpened the intellect.
    4 You have taken a great weight off my mind, Galahad,' he said. 'I feel sure you are perfectly right. The only mistake I think you make is in supposing that this young Bodkin is harmless. I am convinced that he will require watching.'
    'Well, watch him, then, if it will make you any happier.'
    'It will,' said Lord Emsworth decidedly. 'And meanwhile I will be giving Pirbright his instructions.'
    'Tell him to lurk.'
    'Exactly.'
    'Some rude disguise such as a tree or a pail of potato-peel would help.'
    Lord Emsworth reflected.
    'I don't think Pirbright could disguise himself as a tree.' " Nonsense. What do you pay him for ?'
    Lord Emsworth continued dubious. Only God, he seemed to be feeling, can make a tree. 'Well, at any rate, tell him to lurk.' 'Oh, he shall certainly lurk.'
    'From now on . . .' began the Hon. Galahad, and broke off to wave at some object in his companion's rear. The latter turned.
    'Ah, that nice little Smith girl,' he said.
    Sue had appeared on the edge of the lawn. Lord Emsworth beamed vaguely in her direction.
    "By the way, Galahad,' he said, 'is a chorus-girl the same as a ballet-girl?'
    'Certainly not. Different thing altogether.'
    ‘I thought so,' said Lord Emsworth. 'Connie's an ass.'
    He pottered away, and Sue crossed the turf to where the Hon. Galahad sat.
    The author of the Reminiscences scanned her affectionately through his monocle. Amazing, he was thinking, how like her mother she was. He noticed it more every day. Dolly's walk, and just that way of tilting her chin and smiling at you that Dolly had had. For an instant the years fell away from the Hon. Galahad Threepwood, and something that was not of this world went whispering through the garden.
    Sue stood looking down at him. She placed a maternal finger on top of his head, and began to twist the grey hair round it.
    "Well, young Gally .'
    'Well, young Sue.'
    'You look very comfortable.'
    'I am comfortable.'
    'You won't be long. The luncheon gong will be going in a minute.'
    The Hon. Galahad sighed. There was always something, he reflected.
    ' What a curse meals are! Don't let's go in.'
    ' I'm going in, all right. My good child, I'm starving.'
    'Pure imagination.'
    'Do you mean to say you're not hungry, Gally ?'
    'Of course I'm not. No healthy person really needs food. If people would only stick to drinking, doctors would go out of business. I can state you a case that proves it. Old Freddie Potts in the year '98.'
    'Old Freddie Potts in the year '98, did you say, Mister Bones?'
    'Old Freddie Potts in the year '98,' repeated the Hon. Galahad firmly. 'He lived almost entirely on Scotch whisky, and in the year '98 this prudent habit saved him from an exceedingly unpleasant attack of hedgehog poisoning.'
    'What poisoning?'
    'Hedgehog poisoning. It was down in the south of France that it happened. Freddie had gone to stay with his brother Eustace at his villa at Grasse. Practically a teetotaller, this brother, and in consequence passionately addicted to food.'
    'Still, I