Heavy Weather by P. G. Wodehouse Read Free Book Online

rights to be rounding off his career in a bath-chair instead of flitting about the place, still chaffing head waiters as of old and calling for the wine list without a tremor.
    A little cock-sparrow of a man. One of the Old Guard which dies but does not surrender. Sitting there under the cedar, he looked as if he were just making ready to go to some dance-hall of the days when dance-halls were dance-halls, from which in the quiet dawn it would take at least three waiters, two commissionaires and a policeman to eject him.
    In a world so full of beautiful things, where he felt we should all be as happy as kings, the spectacle of his agitated brother shocked the Hon. Galahad.
    'Good God, Clarence! You look like a bereaved tapeworm. What's the matter?'
    Lord Emsworth fluttered for a moment, speechless. Then he found words.
    'Galahad, the worst has happened!'
    'Eh?'
    'Parsloe has struck!'
    'Struck? You mean he's been biffing you?'
    'No, no, no. I mean it has happened just as you warned me. He has been too clever for us. He has got round Connie and persuaded her to engage his nephew as my new secretary.'
    The Hon. Galahad removed his monocle, and began to polish it thoughtfully. He could understand his companion's concern now.
    'She told me so only a moment ago. You see what this means? He is determined to work a mischief on the Empress, and now he has contrived to insinuate an accomplice into the very heart of the home. I see it all,' said Lord Emsworth, his voice soaring to the upper register. 'He failed with Baxter, and now he is trying again with this young Bodkin.'
    'Bodkin? Young Monty Bodkin?'
    'Yes. What are we to do, Galahad ?' said Lord Emsworth.
    He trembled. It would have pained the immaculate Monty, could he have known that his prospective employer was picturing him at this moment as a furtive, shifty-eyed, rat-like person of the gangster type, liable at the first opportunity to sneak into the sties of innocent pigs and plant pineapple bombs in their bran-mash.
    The Hon. Galahad replaced his monocle.
    'Monty Bodkin?' he said, refreshing himself with a sip from his glass.' I remember him well. Nice boy. Not at all the sort of fellow who would nobble pigs. Wait a minute, Clarence. This wants thinking over.'
    He mused awhile.
    'No,' he said, 'you can dismiss young Bodkin as a hostile force altogether.' 'What!'
    'Put him right out of your mind,' insisted the Hon. Galahad. ' Parsloe isn't planning to strike through him at all.'
    'But, Galahad ...'
    'No . Take it from me. Can't you see for yourself that the thing's much too obvious, much too straightforward, not young Parsloe's proper form at all? Reason it out. He must know that we would suspect a nephew of his. Then why is it worth his while to get him into the place? Shall I tell you, Clarence.'
    'Do,' said Lord Emsworth feebly, gaping like a fish.
    As the head of the family was standing up and he was sitting down, it was impossible for the Hon. Galahad to tap him meaningly on the shoulder. He prodded him meaningly in the leg.
    'Because,' he said, 'he wants us to suspect him.'
    'Wants us to suspect him?'
    ' Wants us to,' said the Hon. Galahad.' He hopes by introducing Monty Bodkin into the place to get us watching him, following his every movement, keeping our eyes glued on to him, so that when the real accomplice acts we shall be looking in the wrong direction.'
    'God bless my soul!' said Lord Emsworth, appalled.
    'Oh, it's all right,' said the Hon. Galahad soothingly. 'A cunning scheme, but we're too smart to fall for it. We see through it and are prepared.' He gave Lord Emsworth's leg another significant prod. 'Shall I tell you what is going to happen, Clarence?'
    'Do,' said Lord Emsworth.
    'I can read Parsloe's mind like a book. A day or two after young Monty's arrival, there will be a mysterious stranger sneaking about the grounds in the vicinity of the Empress's sty. He will be there because Parsloe, taking it for granted that our attention will be riveted on young