Heteroflexibility by Mary Beth Daniels Read Free Book Online

face into an expression of unadulterated disgust.
    Mary frowned. “Somebody has to stand up for unborn children.”
    Nikki looked at me apologetically and passed the iPhone back to Mary. “We’re more likely to convert Zest here to homo-ville than elect that conservative earwax as president.”
    “Some people seem to think Obama consorts with terrorists,” Mary said.
    “McCain IS a terrorist,” Nikki shot back.
    Aud pulled away from Audrey. I hadn’t even seen them in the shadows, tightly entwined. “He’ll get the erectoral vote.”
    Nikki nodded. “He and the other teabaggers.”
    Mary huffed, scooting off the bench and walking away.
    “My work here is done,” Nikki said. “I like to cause drama.” She kicked another woman, also in a Hoebag uniform, busily making out with another girl. “Get a U-Haul people. You’re making the heteros twitchy.”
    As they pulled apart, I recognized Krieg. “Nikki! Just because you’re going straight to hell…”
    “We’re all going to straight to hell,” Nikki said. “And it all begins on the trip to Cali.”
    “Blitz here can’t wait,” Krieg said. “She always wanted a white wedding.”
    Blitz growled and pulled her back into an embrace.
    Mary returned. “Zest, you’ve gotta look at this.”
    “Not another Palin thing,” Nikki asked.
    Mary tilted the screen toward us. “No. Margaret Cho. The lesbian love boat. Thought Zest could use some education.”
    Nikki took it. “Oooh! She’s perfect!” She winked at me. “Not that you need book-learnin’. But I have a feeling you don’t know many lesbians.”
    She hit the triangle for play and cranked up the sound.
    The woman on stage, dressed in hot pink, talked about her job as a comedian for a cruise ship where she went whale watching. The group all hooted with laughter. I had no idea why. Did they consider themselves fat? Wet? Slippery? I hung on every word.
    Nikki stopped the video. “All women comedians are gay.”
    Mary stood up straight. “What are you talking about?”
    “Paula Poundstone is gay,” Nikki said.
    Mary looked doubtful. “Are you sure?”
    “Sandra Berndhart is openly bi,” Nikki said.
    The other women began talking at once.
    “Rosie O’Donnell is gay,” Krieg said.
    “Maggie Faris,” Nikki said.
    “And Ellen Degeneres,” I said. Ha, a contribution!
    Mary held out her hands to shush everyone. “Gilda Radner is straight. And Lucille Ball.”
    “They had gay lovers,” Nikki said.
    “What!” Mary shouted. “You can’t say that!
    “I just did.” Nikki raised her beer in salute.
    Mary seemed genuinely miffed. “Why does everyone have to be gay to you?”
    Nikki grinned in the half-light. “So I have a better chance of sleeping with them.”
    Everyone groaned.
    Mary was not ready to give up the fight. “Kathy Griffin is straight.”
    “Kathy Griffin is not straight,” Nikki countered. “She just has not come out yet.”
    Mary crossed her arms over her chest. “What evidence do you have of her gayness?”
    Nikki shook her head. “I’m not going to say, because it’s mean.”
    Jenna popped up behind Mary. “Julie Louise Dreyfus is straight.”
    Nikki considered this. “She does standup?”
    “She does.”
    Nikki clearly wasn’t going to back down. “Let me tell you they have tendencies. They dabbled. They were a little gay.”
    “So there is a scale of gay?” Mary asked. I was glad she asked. I was taking mental notes.
    Nikki pulled Bella closer. “Sure. Your gay can go all the way or just a bit.”
    Mary stepped close to Nikki, indignant. “MINNIE PEARL was straight!”
    Nikki shook her head. “I’m telling you, if she is a police officer, a comedian, or works at Home Depot, then that’s a lean toward the gay side.” She turned to me. “You getting this?”
    I nodded but didn’t dare utter a single word.
    The women began arguing amongst themselves. Seeming satisfied with her rabble rousing, Nikki took my arm and led me away. “We should locate