Higher Institute of Villainous Education by Mark Walden Read Free Book Online

Franz smiled at Laura. ‘Contessa, I am thinking that my uniform might be too small, ja?’
    The Contessa sighed and turned to H.I.V.E.mind.
    ‘Mr Argentblum’s uniform doesn’t appear to be a very good fit, H.I.V.E.mind. Was there an error in the measurements?’ she enquired.
    ‘There was no error in the measurements. Mr Argentblum’s uniform was the largest pattern that was held in my memory banks. I have prepared an alternate pattern and will arrange for delivery of a newly fabricated uniform to his quarters,’ H.I.V.E.mind explained.
    ‘Very well.’ The Contessa sighed again. ‘I’m afraid that you shall have to put up with it for now, Mr Argentblum. You can change into your new uniform later. But now, as promised, time for lunch.’
    At this Franz’s eyes lit up and a huge grin replaced the indignant look that had appeared when H.I.V.E.mind had so bluntly described his special uniform requirements. Otto suspected that Franz would have been quite prepared to go to lunch naked if that was what was necessary and, despite his best efforts, a mental image of this formed that Otto feared might haunt him for ever.
    Wing looked at him with concern. ‘Are you all right, Otto? You’ve gone quite pale. Is the Contessa trying to manipulate you again?’
    In Otto’s mind’s eye a naked Franz was pouring baked beans straight from the tin into his mouth.
    ‘No, Wing, it’s much worse than that . . .’

    Otto and Wing stood clutching trays, waiting patiently in a queue for their turn at the serving counter. The dining hall filled the entire cavern and the noise of hundreds of students chatting to each other while they ate echoed from the bare rock walls. The hall was filled with large circular tables, each emblazoned with the H.I.V.E. logo and surrounded by half a dozen chairs. Otto didn’t know if this was all of the school’s students gathered together, but a quick count of the tables suggested that there were well over a thousand people dining in the cavern. He couldn’t really make out what everyone was eating, but there seemed to be a huge variety of different-coloured dishes spread around the tables, and the mixture of smells in the cavern was almost overwhelming. Otto’s rumbling stomach reminded him that he didn’t really care what was on the menu today, as long as it was fairly substantial and free of any particularly harmful toxins.
    Raised on a platform at the far end of the hall was a much larger oval table. Seated at one end of this table, in a prime position to be able to survey the entire room, was Dr Nero. The Contessa was seated to his left, but it was the first time that Otto had seen the rest of the staff seated at the table. On Nero’s right sat a wizened old man who looked as if he had to be at least a hundred years old. He wore a white lab coat over a tweed suit and his hair seemed to explode from his head like a firework. He was also sporting a bright red bow tie and a pair of glasses with a strange array of alternate lenses attached to the frame to be folded into position as required. Next to him was a huge black man wearing a camouflaged military uniform, a flashy display of medals and ribbons on his chest and a black beret perched on top of his head. On one hand he was wearing what appeared to be a steel glove, and he was attacking the steak on his plate as if he had a personal grudge against his food.
    However, without doubt the most bizarre diner at the head table wasn’t even human. At the opposite end of the table from Dr Nero was a fluffy white cat with a glittering jewelled collar, which sat on a specially raised chair. The animal was eating from a silver bowl on the table in front of it and none of the other teachers reacted in a way that suggested this was at all unusual. Otto had heard of people pampering their pets, even sometimes treating them like people, but the cat’s apparently honoured position indicated that whoever it belonged to considered it to be just as important