How to be a Brit by George Mikes Read Free Book Online Page A

supreme object of his vast and noble organization, namely,
not to transact any business and be left in peace to read a good murder story
undisturbed?
    There are various,
centuries-old, true British traditions to secure this aim.
     
    1. All orders and
directives to the public are worded in such a way that they should have no
meaning whatever.
    2. All official letters are
written in such a language that the oracles of Delphi sound as examples of
clear, outspoken, straightforward statements compared with them.
    3. Civil Servants never
make decisions, they only promise to ‘consider,’ — ‘consider favourably’ — or —
and this is the utmost — ‘reconsider’ certain questions.
    4. In principle the British
Civil Servant stands always at the disposal of the public. In practice he is
either in ‘conference’ or out for lunch, or in but having his tea, or just out.
Some develop an admirable technique of going out for tea before coming back
from lunch.
     
    The British Civil Servant’,
unlike the rough bully we often find on the Continent, is the Obedient Servant
of the public. Before the war, an alien in this country was ordered to leave.
He asked for extension of his staying permit, but was refused. He stayed on all
the same, and after a while he received the following letter (I quote from
memory):
     
    Dear Sir,
    The Under-Secretary of
State presents his compliments and regrets that he is unable to reconsider your
case, and begs to inform you that unless you kindly leave this country within
24 hours you will be forcibly expelled.
    Your
Obedient Servant,
    X
X X
     
    On the Continent rich and
influential people, or those who have friends, cousins, brothers-in-law,
tenants, business associates, etc., in an office may have their requests
fulfilled. In England there is no such corruption and your obedient servant
just will not do a thing whoever you may be. And this is the real beauty of
democracy.

JOURNALISM OR THE FREEDOM OF THE PRESS
     
    The Fact
    There was some
trouble with the Buburuk tribe in the Pacific Island, Charamak. A party of ten
English and two American soldiers, under the command of Capt. R. L. A. T. W.
Tilbury, raided the island and took 217 revolutionary, native troublemakers
prisoner and wrecked two large oil-dumps. The party remained ashore an
hour-and-a-half and returned to their base without loss to themselves.
    How to report this event?
It depends which newspaper you work for.
     
    THE TIMES
    ...It would be exceedingly
perilous to overestimate the significance of the raid, but it can be fairly
proclaimed that it would be even more dangerous to underestimate it. The
success of the raid clearly proves that the native defences are not
invulnerable; it would be fallacious and deceptive, however, to conclude that
these defences are vulnerable. The number of revolutionaries captured cannot be
safely stated, but it seems likely that the number is well over 216 but well
under 218.
     
    IN THE HOUSE
    You may become an M.P.
(Nothing is impossible — this would not be even unprecedented.) You may hear
then the following statement by a member of Her Majesty’s Government:
    ‘Concerning the two wrecked
oil-dumps I can give this information to the House. In the first half of this
year the amount of native oil destroyed by the Army, Navy and the R.A.F. —
excluding however, the Fleet Air Arm — is one-half as much as three times the
amount destroyed during the corresponding months of the previous year, seven
and a half times as much as the two-fifths destroyed two years ago and
three-quarters as much again as twelve times one-sixth destroyed three years
ago.’ (Loud cheers from the Government benches.)
    You jump to your feet and
ask this question:
    You : Is the Right Hon.
Gentleman aware that people in this country are puzzled and worried by the fact
that Charamak was raided and not Ragamak?
    The
Right Hon. Member: I
have nothing to add to my statement given on 2nd August, 1892.
     
    EVENING