How to Say I Love You Out Loud by Karole Cozzo Read Free Book Online

distance doesn’t grant peace of mind, and I’m on edge all day. Even though I don’t spend a single second with my brother, I have the same feeling I do when my
family is out in public. Exposed. Vulnerable. On edge. I take long, looping paths around the outer wings of the school, on high alert for the screaming, arriving at two classes late and earning
pointed looks from the teachers. It’s only the fifth day of school, after all.
    I almost welcome our grueling hockey practice. I know that Phillip is tucked safely away at home, and beating my body into the ground provides a strangely welcome alternative to the mental
stress I subjected myself to all day.
    As I climb back into my car to head home, I notice a bag of grape Jelly Bellies, my favorite, on the passenger seat. There’s probably over ten dollars’ worth from the candy store at
the mall, where you can scoop your favorite flavors instead of having to hunt for them in the mixed bags. Curious, I open the small tag attached, finding my mom’s handwriting inside.
    Thanks for “bean” such a good sport about this—your father and I think you’re really “grape.” It’ll all work out.
    I grimace and set my gym bag on top of the candy. If she had just left well enough alone, I may have smiled at her stupid pun. But she had to go and add a false promise.
    My day had been hell, and all I have to show for it is a single line crossing off
one
day in my planner. One down, fifty-nine to go. This isn’t working out at
all
.
     

    Somehow, miraculously, Phillip and I survive our first week together at Valley Forge without any major disasters. (Fifty-three days to go.) Although, the word
together
doesn’t really apply. I do everything I can to keep my distance from him, to distance myself from the reality of his presence altogether.
    Still, there are a few minor mishaps the second week.
    The first almost incident happens on Tuesday afternoon when Alex and I are standing beside our Gifted teacher’s desk, looking for a stapler during independent study. I notice the daily
attendance sheet that goes out to teachers, listing who is absent, who’s coming in late, and who’s leaving early. My brother has an appointment with his neurologist this afternoon.
Phillip Michaelson. His name is in print, right there, an inch away from Alex’s thumb.
    I hold my breath, waiting for the inevitable dawning of recognition. The question that will certainly follow. My entire body is tense as I stare at the paper, wishing the name on the page into
oblivion.
    Alex finds the stapler under a folder, holds it up to me with a smile, and returns to the table. In reality, I doubt he even glanced at the attendance sheet. In the meantime, I’m on the
brink of hyperventilation.
    The second almost incident occurs on Thursday. I’m standing in the lobby, first thing in the morning, with the entirety of the varsity hockey team. Leighton is handing out “spirit
ribbons”—curlicues of maroon and silver to wear in our ponytails—in preparation for our afternoon game. I look up while fastening Erin’s ribbon onto her long ponytail and
make eye contact with Terry Roth.
    Terry Roth is Phillip’s Behavior Support Consultant, his BSC, from one of the outside agencies whose goal it is to provide support to Phillip across the home and school settings. Terry
Roth has worked with our family for over two years, staying with us even after the move, and she’s spent countless hours in our home. But now she’s in my school, walking toward the main
office, familiar purple plastic clipboard in hand.
    She notices me, and a bright smile graces her friendly face as she lifts her hand to wave. Terry knows me well—we’re friendly rivals across the board of the special-edition SpongeBob
Connect 4 game she bought in the hopes of enticing Phillip into group activities. She changes course slightly, as if she might be coming over to say hello.
    But I do not give her the chance. I lower my head, turn