How To Succeed in Evil by Patrick E. McLean Read Free Book Online Page A

the Third) is but a dilettante in the world of evil. A tourist, if you will. Or more precisely, a spoiled child who, by virtue of a sizable trust fund, has grown to become a very spoiled adult. He has no sense of accomplishment. There are not many obstacles for the super-rich. There are precious few things for the young scion of wealthy family to test his mettle upon. Eustace does not care for polo or sailing. He is bad at business. Charity work does not suit him. But he has managed to find something to call his own. That it is ridiculous, absurd and counter-productive, is no detriment for Eustace. In fact, that is what makes being an Evil Genius all the more attractive to him.
    This is because Eustace’s mother, Iphagenia Rielly, is controlling, shrewd and manipulative. The widow Rielly sees to it that her son has what the rich refer to as “a little money,” but has denied him any substantial funds. Of course, Iphagenia will tell you that she loves her son unconditionally. This means that anything other than her love comes with conditions. If Iphagenia was given to introspection, she might realize that she would have been much happier with a child that was genetically modified to remain an infant. Since Eustace hit puberty, she has consoled herself with a series of small furry dogs.
    Eustace has been driven to more and more bizarre forms of rebellion in his efforts to get his mother’s attention. But until this moment he has not dared to utter his most secret hope. A hope which Edwin means to twist to his purpose.
    All of Eustace’s defenses and fantasies are stripped away. He speaks softly. “I became a villain to get back at my mother.”
    Edwin smiles. Now he is getting somewhere. Edwin doesn’t believe in revenge. There’s rarely a profit in it. But Iphagenia Rielly possesses a mind-boggling amount of money. For the first time in the interview, Edwin uses Dr. Loeb’s real name. “Now, Eustace, what would it be like when you have your revenge?”
    “She, she, she’d have to do what I told her.” Eustace looks around nervously, expecting his mother to catch him in the middle of this confession.
    “Control. You would have control.”
    “Yes,” he says , “domination.”
    “Domination,” says Edwin. Tears of gratitude well up in Eustace’s eyes. Then the fear comes over him again.
    “Can we really do it?”
    Edwin is going to explain that if Eustace will listen to him, and hire the right kind of lawyer, that they have a very good chance of success. But he is interrupted by an explosion at the back of the room.
    “MOTHER!” cries Eustace in terror.
    The dust settles. At the other end of the room is a figure clad in spandex. “It is I, Superlative Man!”
    “He iz come to do battle with me!” Eustace cries with joy in his voice. “I am ze villain, ze sinister Dr. Loeb and he must stop me. You take your life in your hands when you tangle ze fearsome intellect of ZE LOEB!”
    Edwin tries. “Uh, Superlative Man, is it? It’s not clear that my client is guilty of breaking any laws.”
    “Superlative Man doesn’t buy it. “What are you trying to say? He's evil. Just look at him. No self-respecting or law-abiding citizen would dare dress like that.”
    Insanely, Dr. Loeb agrees with him. “I am EVIL! He must stop me before I strike again! Manful COMBAT!”
    Edwin tries again. “Eustace, that is, Dr. Loeb, you might want to rethink this. He’s got a good 40 pounds on you and he just shouldered his way through a wall.”
    But it is no use. The high redoubts of Fort Reason are overwhelmed when the man clad in spandex yells, “Superlative Man, into the fray!”
    Edwin pushes his chair back from the table. As the two men brawl, Edwin uses the intercom. “Agnes. Things are winding down in here. I’ll need a full contract package – ”
    Superlative Man holds Dr. Loeb over his head and slams into the conference room table.
    “What was that? Yes, yes, absolutely an accidental death and dismemberment