How To Succeed in Evil by Patrick E. McLean Read Free Book Online

you $10,000 per pound just to get your unbuildable laser into space. How much does it weigh?”
    “I don’t know.”
    Edwin is encouraged by this response. It suggests that Dr. Loeb has not lost contact, entirely, with reality. “That’s because it can’t be built. Now, I’m all for vision and daring. Especially when these qualities are combined with patience and intelligence – but, really, it’s like this – You can find a solution to one impossible problem. But two impossible problems? The complexities don't add. They multiply.”
    Dr. Loeb gives him a blank look. Edwin wonders if this is because Dr. Loeb has never heard of multiplication.
    “I’m saying that it can’t be done.”
    “But I have a lot of money,” says Dr. Loeb.
    “And you should keep it. Someday, you will have a good idea. That money will be used to finance it.” Someday, thinks Edwin, is the day that never comes. “Let’s try it another way. What would you do with your laser?”
    “I vould destroy Vashington!”
    “Why?”
    ”Vhat do you mean, it’s Vashington?”
    “Yes, and since the British burned it in 1814, it has remained inviolate. And increasingly picturesque.”
    “So?”
    “How do you plan to make money from destroying the capital of the United States of America?”
    “Vell, then I vould be feared.”
    “Then you would be broke. Having spent all your money on a laser, and getting it into space, you would then destroy a perfectly good city and get nothing in return.”
    “But, but, but”
    All the motorboat noises in the world aren’t going to get Dr. Loeb out of this one. Edwin folds his hands and pronounces his stern judgement. “Your business model is deeply flawed. I cannot see the benefit of, much less the possibility for, a giant laser in space.”
    For the first time during the whole session, Dr. Loeb does not have a ready and horribly ill-informed reply. He cocks his head. The accent falls away completely, “So what am I gonna do?”
    “You’re going to make me a small promise,” says Edwin, “Can you do that?”
    Dr. Loeb nods
    “You must promise me that, from now on, if we can’t think of a good reason for you to do something, you won’t do it.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “Well, let’s try it another way. Why do you want to take over the world?”
    “That’s what I’m supposed to do. I am a villain.” Dr. Loeb says this like it is the most natural and obvious thing in the world. “I have a secret lair. I have ziss jacket. Ze right haircut. I am ze evil mastermind.”
    “Okay. Okay. Right there. Let’s say you took over the world.”
    “Yes. Ja, I like ziss,” says Dr. Loeb, clapping his fat hands together.
    “You are lord and master of all creation,” says Edwin.
    “Domination!,” he says, nodding so vigorously his jowls seem in danger of breaking free and rolling down his neck.
    “What then?”
    Dr. Loeb’s mouth hangs open. He has no answer.
    “What good would it do, to control the whole world?”
    “But, that’s what I’m zupposed to do!”
    “Why?”
    “Because, well, everybody knows ziss. Ze supervillain iz to take over the world.”
    “Of course. But why?”
    “What do you mean?”
    “It seems like a prudent question. You’re about to devote a considerable amount of your time and effort to reach a goal. Is this goal worthwhile?”
    “I didn’t not become ze villain, ze super-villain I am, to be prudent.”
    “That’s good. That’s the kind of thing that helps me. Now,” Edwin leans in to emphasize his question, “Why did you become a villain?”
    Dr. Loeb has no idea. Edwin lets him struggle with the question for a while. Of course, Edwin knows the answer. He knew long before Dr. Loeb sat down. The only question in Edwin’s mind is – can he get Dr. Loeb to recognize the answer? It’s a long shot, but if Dr. Loeb can have a moment of clarity, then a world of possibilities will be created for both of them.
    You see, Dr. Loeb (by birth, Eustace Eugene Rielly