I blame the scapegoats by John O'Farrell Read Free Book Online Page B

the company's been taken
into administration. You've heard of 'the wrong sort of snow'; well they bought
'the wrong sort of shares'. I don't remember a disclaimer on the advert saying
'Remember - the value of shares will only go up and up'
    In the years since it was created, money has
poured out of Railtrack into the pockets of shareholders almost as fast as the
taxpayer has been paying it in. The week after the Hatfield rail crash they all
got massively increased dividends as a reward for opting to invest in such an
efficient and well-run company. But now that the government is no longer
prepared to keep throwing bad money after bad, the shareholders' indignation
is beyond belief. Crispin Oddey, founder of Oddey Asset Management, said,
'There is very little difference between what Robert Mugabe has just done to
white farmers in Zimbabwe and what Byers has done to Railtrack's shareholders.'
Yeah, fair comment I suppose: Robert Mugabe and Stephen Byers, I'm always
getting those two mixed up. So look out for thousands of Stephen Byers
supporters storming into the Railtrack offices wielding machetes and torching
the stables.
    Now Railtrack shareholders will have to try
to make a quick buck somewhere else. I can't wait to see them approaching the
pay-out desk at Ladbroke's after their horse has come in last.
    'Hello - yes, I popped in yesterday and put
fifty pounds on Lively Lad, running in the three o'clock at Kempton.'
    'Yeah, well, he lost,
mate.'
    'Now look here, I invested a lot of money on
that bet, and through no fault of mine the horse fell at the third fence, so I
must insist that you give me my winnings.'
    'Listen, pal, there's
no winnings if your horse doesn't win.'
    'What? But that's ridiculous. Surely the
government steps in and pays up for me?'
    It is a measure of how appalling Railtrack
has been that it's actually made us nostalgic for British Rail. Yes, who can
forget those happy days of BR when charming guards would help you aboard before
dashing to the buffet to make a few more rounds of delicious cheese sandwiches.
In reality the railways have always been a disaster area. If the classic film The
Railway Children had been a bit more accurate, Bernard
Cribbins would have been a grumpy old stationmaster who's only line would have
been to tell the kids to piss off, before Jenny Agutter and her siblings
disappeared to amuse themselves by chucking stones at passing trains and
leaving dead birds on the line to watch them get squashed. In fact, at the very
first passenger railway trip in 1830 the train ran over and killed the former
cabinet minister William Huskisson. The inquiry into this event is due to
report next month. (The incident prompted the first ever railway apology: 'We
would like to apologize for the delayed arrival of the 11.04 from Liverpool.
This is due to a former colonial secretary on the line.') Okay, so the British
government has waited a very long time to get revenge on the railways, but
Railtrack shareholders have no case for complaint. They got the shares for a
fraction of their real value, and we have been subsidizing them ever since. For
years they have been riding in the first-class carriage without a ticket, but
the gravy train stops here.
    Such is their fury that they have announced
they are taking the government to court. I can't wait. And when they lose and
are ordered to pay the government's costs, no doubt they will look confused and
say, 'Yes, I understand that we lost the case. But, erm, we still get a huge
pay-out, don't we?'
     
     

Shop
for victory!
     
    20
October 2001
     
     
    Last
week I was in a pub with some friends and after two pints realized I ought to
be heading home. But then I thought about how tourism has been damaged by the
current crisis, how the recession is starting to affect the leisure and
catering sectors, and I thought, 'No - by not spending any more money in this
pub I'd be doing exactly what those extremists wanted.' So I resolved to defy
terrorism and have