I Hate Everyone...Starting With Me by Joan Rivers Read Free Book Online

going to matter because I’m not really going anywhere. I’m not going to be buried because I don’t like damp and cold.
    I think cremation is the way to go for some people, and for different reasons. I had one friend who had her husband cremated and put him in her douche bag so she could run him through one more time.
    I had another friend whose husband’s will said that if she didn’t visit every day she wouldn’t get any money. So she had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes in Bergdorf Goodman, and hasn’t missed a day in twelve years. (On 9/11, in the horror of the moment she was so upset she managed to get there twice. Now that’s a widow!)
    Then again, maybe when I go toes up I want to be stuffed and put on the living room couch, then when people come over Melissa can say, “Sit down and don’t mind Mom. She’s on vocal rest for her new play.”

MY FAVORITE CELEBRITY DEATHS
Isadora Duncan
    Isadora went for a ride in the car but couldn’t decide if she should wear a scarf or a choker. Turns out she wore both.

Attila the Hun
    For all the marauding, torture and trampling, the head Hun died from a nosebleed on his wedding night. Now that’s what I call rough sex.

Jayne Mansfield
    I begged her to buy a car with extra headroom, but did she listen? No.

Catherine the Great
    Rumors abound. One rumor is that she had a stroke while going to the bathroom. If this is true then you know why fiber is important. The conventional and far more fun story is that she died while having sex with a horse. The horse was being lowered onto her when the pulleys broke and down came Secretariat, turning Catherine the Great into Catherine the Smushed. You want irony? The horse’s favorite position was doggie style.
    Honestly, I don’t think Catherine’s relationship with the horse would have worked, anyway. First of all, he didn’t know how to hold her. Secondly, every night when they went back tothe castle, all the horse wanted to do was watch
Seabiscuit
over and over and over. And finally, the horse wasn’t Jewish.

Ramon Novarro
    Two male prostitutes suffocated the Latin movie star to death with a lead dildo that was given to him forty-five years earlier by Rudolph Valentino. My question: Who keeps a dildo for forty-five years?

Joan of Arc
    She kept complaining to hotel management that she was chilly because her room was drafty. Next time, she’ll learn to keep her mouth shut. Served her right.

Natalie Wood
    After she drowned off the coast of Catalina Island all we kept hearing was “Natalie Wood hated water;” “Natalie Wood couldn’t swim.” Then why was she on a boat in the middle of the fucking night? I’m deathly afraid of Kirstie Alley; you don’t see me showing up at the Scientology Center at 2:00 A.M. with a box of Twinkies.

Marvin Gaye
    Music superstar Marvin Gaye was shot to death by his father. In court the father said, “This is probably the worst thing I’ve ever done.”
Probably??????

Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter
    He was being his adventurous self when he was stung by a stingray and died. So I say to all of you: Forget crocodiles. Be a
bargain
hunter—no one was ever killed by a Louis Vuitton knockoff.

Butterfly McQueen
    She survived the burning of Atlanta in
Gone With the
Wind, but died while cooking in her own apartment. Since that day I like to think of her as Batter Fried McQueen.

Sigmund Freud
    Died of throat cancer in 1939. He blamed it on his mother.



LOVE SUCKS

I was married for twenty years and then my husband killed himself. After that for seven years I lived with a one-legged war hero. I left him when I found out he’d been hopping into the sack with another woman.

 
    I hate “love at first sight.” Unless you’re Stevie Wonder there’s no such thing. Stevie can walk up to a woman, feel her face and shriek, “Isn’t she lovely.” But for the rest of us, love is a process—like filing taxes or doing monthly colon cleansings.
    Do you think Franklin Roosevelt took