I'm Having More Fun Than You by Aaron Karo Read Free Book Online Page B

pinballs: they’ll bounce around the bar like ding!—ding!—ding ding!—ding!—ding! and then just go home with the last guy they bump into. So I always try to keep a safe distance while never letting the girl out of my sight. If I lose her, I’m then forced to do a full sweep of the bar because the time and energy consumed establishing rapport with a new girl will be far greater than that required to locate my original mark. Guys must also always be vigilant of “kissing whores”—women who will make out with you on the dance floor and then run over to their friends, giggle, order lemon drops, and hide. You will never see her again, unless you resort to just waiting outside the women’s bathroom all night on the off chance that she comes out of hiding or drunkenly knocks into you.
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    GAME AROUND THE WORLD
     
    One of my favorite places to visit is Japan. Mainly because 90 percent of the chicks in Tokyo are thin, have perfect skin, dress well, and are hot. The downside? They usually don’t speak a lick of English. The biggest stumbling block to hooking up in Japan, however, is that they don’t have one-night stands there. And when I say they don’t have one-night stands, I mean it’s just not part of their culture; they don’t even understand what a one-night stand is. Whenever I found an attractive girl who spoke passable English, I would of course move in for the kill. The conversation usually went something like this.
     
     
ME: Let’s get out of here.
GORGEOUS JAPANESE CHICK: What do you mean?
ME: We can head back to my hotel.
GJC : Why? I have my own apartment.
ME : So you wanna go back to your place?
GJC : Why would you come with me?
ME : Um, so we can like, you know…
GJC (FINALLY UNDERSTANDING) : Oh…But then I’ll never see you again.
ME (IMPROVISING) : Uh, that’s not true. I just moved here for work.
GJC: Where do you work?
ME: Where do I work? Um, Sanyo.
GJC: Did you just read that off the billboard behind me?
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    Identifying one woman and then focusing all my efforts on her is obviously not the most successful strategy. That’s why I’ve always been impressed with my high school buddy Matt, who’s consistently been able to hook up with girls who are—to be honest—much higher rated than he is. I think this is due to several factors: he’s a smart, funny dude, he has no shame, and upon getting to the bar he goes right for the girls without wasting any time hanging out with his buddies. At the end of the day, though, Matt’s secret weapon is that he plays a different kind of numbers game: hitting on as many chicks as humanly possible during the night, in the hope that the law of averages will produce at least one score. Essentially, he engages in a kind of modified speed dating, except he’s the only guy and “dating” is the least of his objectives. I admire his moxie. But I could never duplicate his success. It requires too much effort, too much rejection, and the ability to juggle multiple pseudonyms and fake careers.
    Personally, I’ve found that being completely candid works best in the hook-up game. I’ll tell a girl, “Listen, I’m not really from Quebec. In fact, I couldn’t even point it out on a map.” Women seem to appreciate honesty (short of admitting that I’ve been utilizing a series of exceedingly complicated rating systems to codify their hotness). They don’t appreciate rudeness or pick-up lines. But despite knowing all this, I’m sure the next time I spot an LA eight I’ll regress to the tried-and-true “Wanna go upstairs?” And if she responds, “We’re already upstairs,” I’ll know it’s time to stop drinking.
    THE TEXT BEST THING
     
    There is no doubt that the proliferation of text messaging has made the world a better place. And by “the world” I mean “my world.” And by “better” I mean “enhanced my ability to hit on chicks without the risk of face-to-face rejection.” In fact, I believe text messaging has already made