Jaine Austen 2 - Last Writes by Laura Levine Read Free Book Online Page B

her name isn’t Wasserman?” Mrs. Rubin asked. “I could’ve sworn it was Wasserman.”
    That’s how conversations go at the Shalom Retirement Center.
    “Okay, class!” I said. “Let’s get started, shall we? Who wants to read what they wrote this week?”
    “So tell me,” Mrs. Pechter said, unwilling to let go of show biz, “what’s Wells Dumont really like? I saw him in a play once. Something by Shakespeare, I think. Such a handsome man.”
    “Feh,” opined Mrs. Rubin. “He’s nothing compared to Quinn Kirkland. What a doll.”
    The other ladies nodded in agreement.
    “So what’s Quinn like?” Mrs. Zahler asked. “He a friendly sort of fellow?”
    If they only knew.
    “Yes.” I managed to restrain myself. “Quinn Kirkland is quite friendly, indeed.”
    “And how about Vanessa Duffy?” Mr. Goldman asked, with a wink. “You think maybe she likes older men?”
    He wasn’t kidding. A retired carpet salesman with enough chutzpah to fuel a space ship, Mr. Goldman only had eyes for women young enough to be his granddaughters. Like, for instance, me. For years, Mr. Goldman had been trying to get me to go out on a date with him. And for years, I’d been turning him down, a fact which didn’t seem to discourage him. Yes, if there was one fly in the Shalom ointment, it was Mr. Goldman.
    I was grateful that Vanessa seemed to have supplanted me as the object of Mr. Goldman’s affections. Maybe this meant he’d leave me alone and quit asking me to go for moonlight strolls in the Shalom parking lot.
    “So how about it?” he asked, his dentures twinkling merrily. “You think Vanessa would go for a guy like me?”
    “You’ll find out on Friday,” I said.
    I’d arranged for the class to be in the audience for the taping of my show. I figured a few loyal fans couldn’t hurt. And they were overjoyed at the prospect of being show biz insiders.
    “I can’t wait,” Mrs. Rubin said. “Imagine. My first TV taping.”
    “Big deal,” Mr. Goldman said. “I’ve been to plenty of TV tapings. I saw Laverne & Shirley. I saw Blansky’s Beauties . I saw Joanie Loves Chachi . That Joanie. What a doll. She had the warmies for me.”
    The ladies groaned.
    “As if,” Mrs. Pechter muttered, a phrase she’d no doubt picked up from her granddaughter’s bat mitzvah.
    “Hey, I’ve got a great idea for a sitcom,” Mr. Goldman continued, ignoring his detractors. “They should do a show about me. I’m just as funny as that Seinfeld guy. Funnier, probably.”
    “My cousin went to high school with Jerry Seinfeld’s mother.”
    “Really? My brother-in-law once dated Joan Rivers.”
    “Class!” I called out. “Maybe we could get started now.”
    “They could call it Goldman . It would be all about my life in the carpet business. Maybe they could get Heather Locklear to play my girlfriend.”
    “My daughter goes to Heather Locklear’s gynecologist.”
    I sat back and sighed.
    We never did get to read any essays that night.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

    TO: Daddyo
    FROM: Jausten
    SUBJECT: What on earth?

    What on earth makes you think Mom is having an affair?

    TO: Jausten
    FROM: Daddyo
    SUBJECT: Wake up and Smell the Coffee
Oh, come on, Sweetpea. I didn’t just fall off a turnip truck. I’ve seen enough Oprah to know when a woman’s cheating. Mom’s showing all the classic signs. She’s losing weight, she’s getting her teeth capped. She’s taking showers. Lots and lots of showers. She’s got something cooking on the back burner, all right, and I know who it’s with. That greaseball from the shopping channel. I saw them together in the clubhouse the other morning, making serious eye contact. He pretended he was giving her his autograph, but my bet is that they were making plans for a secret rendezvous.

    TO: Shoptillyoudrop
    FROM: Jausten
    SUBJECT: What the heck is going on?

    Daddy says you’re having an affair with that Koskovalis guy from the Shopping Channel. He says you’ve lost weight and are having