Julian by Gore Vidal Read Free Book Online

"And all the others."
    "But the divine Augustus is your friend."
    "Then why are we under arrest?" Gallus indicated the secret police who had arrived only that day; when Gallus and I had tried to go out, we were told politely to stay where we were "until further orders".
    "They are for your protection."
    "The only protection we need is from Constantius," said Gallus; but he lowered his voice. Though hot-tempered, he was not suicidal. Count Julian looked very nervous.
    "That is not true, Gallus. Now listen to me carefully. Someone close to the Emperor, very close, has told me that Constantius believes that the reason he cannot have children is because hebecause so many members of his own family were—because they, ah, died! "
    "Yes, but since he's already committed enough murders to get him into hell, why stop at us? He has nothing to lose."
    "Nothing to gain, either. After all, you are only children."
    Gallus snorted. At sixteen he was physically a man, though in character he was still a child, a fierce destructive child.
    "Believe me, you are safe." Count Julian was soothing. He was in an excellent mood, for he had just been appointed governor of Egypt, and I am afraid that was more on his mind than the fate of his nephews. But he did his best to comfort us, for which I at least was grateful. He left us with the hollow words, "You have nothing to fear."
    When he was gone, Gallus deliberately smashed the cup he had used. Breaking things always gave Gallus physical relief; shattering this particular cup took on ritual significance. "He's like all the rest!" Gallus's voice cracked with anger as he stood there in the bright sun of a green May day, his long pale hair tangled across his brow, his startling blue eyes magnified with sudden tears. "There's no way out of this!"
    I tried to say something hopeful but he rounded on me. "You're no loss, you little ape! But why do I have to die? Why indeed? Everyone asks himself that question sooner or later. No one can ever love us quite so much as we love ourselves. Gallus saw no justice in a world where a beauty and vitality such as his could be pinched out as casually as a lamp wick. Of course fate is cruel. But children cannot accept this, nor men like Gallus who see all things as incidental to themselves. I loved Gallus. I hated him. During the first years of my life I was so entirely absorbed by him that I was hardly aware of myself at all except as I was reflected in those vivid blue eyes, which saw nothing of me nor much of anything else.
    But Count Julian was right. Constantius did suffer remorse for his crimes. We were safe, for the time being. In due course a message arrived from the Chamberlain Eusebius. Gallus and I were to be sent to Macellum in Cappadocia "to continue your education".
    "Education for what? " asked Gallus when this message had been read us. But Mardonius silenced him. "The Augustus is merciful. Never forget that he is now your father as well as your lord."
    We departed for Macellum that same day. I was most upset, for Mardonius was not to accompany us. I don't know the motive behind this act of petty cruelty except that as the Chamberlain Eusebius was also a eunuch he might have thought that a fellow eunuch would prove to be too subtle an ally for us. Sniffling wretchedly, I was bundled into a wagon with Gallus.
    Mardonius was also grief-stricken but he controlled himself.
    "We shall meet again," he said. "And when we do, I shall expect Gallus to know as much Hesiod as Julian." Mardonius stood stiffly in front of the bishop's palace as we drove off, escorted by a cohort of cavalry, just as if we were important princes, which we were, or important prisoners, which we also were. I sobbed. Gallus swore fierce oaths under his breath. In the street a crowd of people were gathered, eager for a glimpse of us. To get a close view one bold burgher thrust his head over the side of the wagon. Gallus promptly spat in the man's astonished face. Then Gallus covered his