pleasantly surprised by gown number one, which had been chosen by her mother. It wasn’t really much more extravagant than the average evening dress. Had it been in black instead of off-white, Kate might have thought it suitable for her law firm’s Christmas ball.
‘This is nice,’ said Kate as the skirt settled around her feet.
‘Come out into the main room,’ said Heidi.
‘Oh, no . . . I thought that . . .’
‘Your mum and sister want to see the dress, don’t they?’
‘I suppose.’
It was the other brides and their families that Kate didn’t want to show off to. Still, she shuffled out into the main salon. Her sister and mother made approving noises. The two other brides’ supporters seemed pleasantly surprised too.
‘I chose that one,’ said Elaine proudly. ‘I knew it would suit her.’ The other mothers praised Elaine’s taste.
But Heidi was shaking her head. ‘Makes you look enormous here and here’ – she indicated Kate’s thighs with the aid of a stiffened tape measure – ‘and yet you’re like a Biafran up here.’ She indicated Kate’s décolletage. Kate looked down at her chest in disappointment. She knew she wasn’t exactly blessed in the breast department, but . . .
‘Now that you’ve got this dress on, I can see that your figure is what I would call a wooden spoon. You’re skinny as a stick down to your waist. Then . . . whoompf.’ Heidi made the sound of a hot-air balloon inflating prior to lift-off. ‘Completely out of proportion. Do you know what I mean?’
‘I get the idea,’ said Kate. ‘I’ll try something else, shall I?’
‘Yes. Bigger round the bottom,’ said Heidi.
Kate was just grateful that the third bride, the one that Tess had dubbed the ‘Mean Girl’, hadn’t been around to hear such a damning assessment.
Heidi refused even to let Kate out of the changing room in dress two.
‘No, no, no, not with your saddlebags.’
Saddlebags?
Heidi made what she must have thought was pleasant chat as she helped Kate get back out of that frock. ‘Doesn’t matter how much you exercise, I know – you can’t get rid of them. I’ve got a friend who had liposuction. It’s the only thing that works.’
‘I’m sure,’ said Kate.
‘She still didn’t have the figure to get married in a straight skirt, but I didn’t dare tell her. I always try to be honest with my clients about their figure faults, though. I don’t want you coming back here and saying, “Heidi, you let me look like the back end of an elephant on the most important day of my life.” I may sound harsh, but it’s for your own good. You’ve got to keep imagining what you’ll look like from behind.’
‘Thank you,’ said Kate.
Kate refused to show anyone dress three, which was practically see-through. Dress four, which passed the saddlebag test, was nonetheless met with instant disapproval by Kate’s sister.
‘Makes you look three months pregnant,’ said Tess.
Kate’s mother pricked up her ears.
‘I’m not,’ said Kate, as hot embarrassment crept up her neck.
‘Ah, well,’ said Heidi, ‘there’s plenty of time . . . or IVF. I know a girl who had triplets on her eighth try.’
Kate couldn’t wait to get back into the changing room.
Meanwhile, the girl with the pointy face and the Mean Girl were preening side by side in the floor-length mirror. Though they were objectively both pretty enough girls, their attitudes made them look like Cinderella’s two ugly sisters getting ready for the prince’s ball. Kate didn’t even bother to try to get a better look at the dress she was wearing, to see if Tess was really right. She followed Heidi back to the changing room feeling enormous relief that the next dress was to be her last. She’d try it on, whip it off and hurry to get back into her jeans. Then she was outta here. Why had she ever let herself be talked into this in the first place? There was only so much she could put up with in the interests of