Killer Blonde by Laura Levine Read Free Book Online

there. Thank you, darling! I knew I could count on you.
     
    To: Shoptillyoudrop
    From: Jausten
     
    My pleasure, Mom. And by the way, my cat’s name is Prozac, not Zoloft, and my ex-husband is The Blob, not The Glob—although that has a nice ring to it, too.
     
    To: Jausten
    From: DaddyO
    Subject: Positive Feedback
     
    Hi, Pumpkin!
     
    Hope everything is fine in sunny L.A.
     
    I’m happy to report that I’m getting lots of positive feedback on my new toupee. Why, just this morning at the bank, the teller said she’d never in all her life seen hair quite like mine. I can’t wait to show it off at cousin Cindy’s wedding next week.
     
    Your mother, however, is still making fun of it. She says it’s made from squirrel hair. Which is ridiculous. Because it says on the label that it’s made in Guam. And I don’t think they have squirrels in Guam, do they?
     
    Got to run. Mom wants to go for a walk on the beach.
     
    Your loving,
    Daddy
     
    To: Jausten
    From: Shoptillyoudrop
    Subject: Like a Dog with a Frisbee
     
    Just back from the beach. It was very windy, and at first I thought everything was going to work out just fine. We hadn’t gone two steps, when the toupee flew off Daddy’s head. But he ran after it and caught it. The damn thing kept flying off, and he kept running after it and catching it. Like a dog with a frisbee. After a while, he gave up and put it in his pocket.
     
    Of course, it got full of sand, and even though he’s shaken it out a million times, sand still keeps falling out of it. So now your father has the only toupee in the world with built-in dandruff.
     
    To: Justen
    From: DaddyO
    Subject: Here’s a Cute One
     
    Here’s a cute one for you, lambchop: What happens when you take Viagra and ExLax? You can’t tell which way you’re going!
     
    To: DaddyO
    From: Jausten
     
    Daddy I think the punchline is supposed to be: You can’t tell if you’re coming or going.
     
    To: Jausten
    From: DaddyO
     
    Are you sure? I thought it was funnier my way. I told it to the guys down at the clubhouse, and they couldn’t stop laughing. It’s amazing. Ever since I got my toupee, people find me so much more amusing than they used to. Sometimes they start laughing before I even finish my jokes.
     
    To: Jausten
    From: Shoptillyoudrop
    Subject: The Most Marvelous Idea
     
    I’ve just had the most marvelous idea. I know how to get rid of Daddy’s toupee. It’s all so simple, really.

Chapter Five

    I drove over to SueEllen’s the next day, still trying to get used to the idea of Daddy with a dead squirrel on his head. I wondered what Mom’s latest plan was for getting rid of it. I only hoped it didn’t involve decapitation.
    But all thoughts of my parents vanished when, trekking down the hallway to SueEllen’s bathroom, I spotted Larkspur O’Leary coming out of one of the bedrooms. Which struck me as odd since, as far as I knew, SueEllen got her massages in her massive bathroom.
    What was even more odd was Larkspur’s appearance. Her face was flushed, her lipstick was smeared outside her lip line, and her long blond hair was disheveled, as if someone had just whipped it with an egg beater. And, to top things off in the Odd Department, she was hastily buttoning her gauzy pink blouse.
    Call me Sherlock, but she had all the earmarks of a woman who’d just been having sex. Or, as The Blob used to call it, Fandango.
    “Hi, Larkspur!” I chirped.
    She looked up from her blouse, and smiled nervously.
    “Oh. Hello, Jaine,” she said, quickly pulling the door shut behind her.
    The woman reeked of Aramis aftershave. I knew it was Aramis because that’s what The Blob used to wear when he was in the mood for Fandango. I used to try to convince him a shower would be a more effective aphrodisiac, but to no avail. Only one of the many reasons we are no longer man and wife.
    Anyhow, Larkspur was reeking of the stuff.
    And then I remembered: Hadn’t Brad smelled of aftershave the other night? Now that