Killing Honor by S. M. Butler Read Free Book Online Page A

my hands down her neck, across her shoulders and down her arms. I needed to know she was okay. “You’re here. You’re okay.” The words were more for me than her.
    “Yes, I’m fine.” Her brow furrowed. She worried her lower lip between her teeth. Her eyes scanned me, carefully. 
    I’d been prepared for nightmares, but this… this was worse than I’d ever thought dreams could be. Seeing my wife dead and bloody? My two-year-old daughter holding a gun that was bigger than she was? It was too much.
    I shuddered out a breath. I was too hot now, even though I’d woken up cold. I tossed off the comforter and got out of bed.
    “Brody… Are you okay?” Her voice was unsure and quiet.
    I scrubbed my hand down my face. “I’m okay. It was… it was a bad dream. That’s all. I’m okay.”
    “You’re not okay. You’re shaking.”
    Was I? I glanced down at my hands, the tremble impossible to hide. I swallowed, my throat aching and dry. “I’ll be okay. I’m just… gonna get a drink.”
    “Want me to come with?”
    I shook his head. “No. You should get some sleep. Kids will be up early. I’m just going to get a drink, and I’ll be back, okay?”
    She nodded, but she didn’t look so sure. I’d worried her again. I didn’t blame her. I was feeling a little batshit crazy.
    “Seriously, Devyn. I’m okay.” I walked back to her side and sat down on the edge of the bed. I cupped her cheek, the ghosts of her life’s blood beneath my fingertips. I blinked away the image. It wasn’t real. She was there. She was alive. She was safe. Her skin was still warm, smooth.
    I gave her a chaste kiss on the lips. “Sleep, sweetness.”
    “You’d tell me if you weren’t okay, right?” She laid back against the pillow. Her eyes were intense, and focused on me. I was left on the spot, so isolated.
    I nodded, but I didn’t have the strength or the words to reply. She didn’t look completely convinced. She curled up on her side, her eyes still boring into me. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
    Getting up, I focused on reaching the door, my knees still shaky from the nightmare. I hoped I didn’t look like I was shaky, or Devyn would be on my ass in a hot second for lying to her. I just didn’t want to worry her.
    I shut the door quietly behind me and silently stepped down the stairs, trying to ignore the remnants of blood from my memory. But no matter what, it wouldn’t leave me. I was barefoot, and there was no blood on the stairs, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Panic turned my stomach over. It had been too real.
    But Devyn was alive. She was safe. The girls were asleep. They were safe and warm. My team was at home, alive. I was not alone.
    Except I was.
    If anything in that dream ever came true, I’d never forgive myself. Not ever.
    I grabbed a glass from the cupboard, and stuck it under the water dispenser on the fridge until it was full. I drank the entire thing in one long gulp and then filled it again. The panic seized my gut. Flashes of dream me as I’d come into the house hit me like a snow shovel. I sunk down to the couch putting the cup on the end table. Burying my head into my hands, my body began to shake again, my chest tight and constricted. I breathed through it, counting silently through each breath until the constriction passed and I dragged in a deep breath again. The shaking was the last thing to go, and I wasn’t sure how long I’d stayed there before it stopped.
    Panic attacks. Nightmares. The guys said it happened sometimes. Some of the older guys said it never stopped. That after every mission, they got the dreams. Being a SEAL was all I’d wanted growing up.
    Oak Creek left a boy with nothing to do but shoot things and get drunk. The Navy offered me that same opportunity, and a chance to get out of Oak Creek. 
    But I was seriously second guessing that SEAL assignment now, even after spending two years of training to get there. It was crazy.