Land of the Living by Nicci French Read Free Book Online

silent. Concentrate.
    A long silence in the darkness. I thought of him sitting out there, a foul, wheezing thing.
    ‘You want me to talk to you?’
    ‘Yes. Can’t you tell me your name? No, no, not your real name. Another name—something I can call you.’
    ‘I know what you’re trying to do. Do you know what you’re trying to do?’
    ‘I want to talk to you.’
    ‘No, you don’t, sweetheart. You’re trying to be clever. You’re trying to be a clever girl. You’re trying to be, like, all psychological.’
    ‘No. No.’
    ‘You reckon that you can become my friend.’ He chuckled. ‘You’re tied up and you know you can’t escape. You know you can’t get at me. I’m in control. The only reason you’re alive at this moment is because I want you to be. So you wonder what you can do. You reckon that maybe I’m a sad, lonely man and I’m scared of girls. And if only you can be all friendly with me that I’ll let you go. You see, you don’t understand at all.’
    ‘I just want to talk. Too much silence.’
    ‘You see, some of them just snivel. They’re just like an animal that’s been half run over and it’s flapping around on the road and it’s just waiting to be put out of its misery, to be stamped on. And others tried to bargain with me. Like Fran. She said she’d do anything I wanted if I let her go. As if she had anything to bargain with. What do you think of that?’
    I felt sick.
    ‘I don’t know.’
    ‘Gail used to pray. I heard her when I took the gag off. Didn’t do her any good.’
    ‘How do you know?’
    ‘What do you mean?’
    ‘How do you know it didn’t do her any good? You don’t know.’
    ‘I know, I promise you. Funny, isn’t it? Some whined, some tried to be all seductive. You did a bit of that. Some prayed. Lauren, she fought and fought and never let up. Had to do her in quick. It all amounts to the same thing in the end.’
    I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob and sob and be held and comforted and I knew that was the one thing I must never do. Then I would be the flapping wounded animal and he would stamp on me.
    ‘Is this real?’ I said.
    ‘What?’
    ‘These women.’
    That coughing laugh.
    ‘You’ll be with them in a few days. Ask them yourself.’
    He went away but things seemed different. He was back again in a few minutes as if he couldn’t stay away. He had thought of something else. He had inserted the gag and now he removed it again. I felt his lips near my ear, wet wool and sweet meaty oniony breath.
    ‘One day soon,’ he said, ‘and you won’t know in advance, I’ll come in here and I’ll give you a piece of paper and a pen and you can write a letter. A goodbye letter. You can write to anybody you want. I’ll post it. You can say anything you want, unless I don’t like it. I don’t want any moaning. It can be like a will if you want. You can leave your favourite teddy bear to somebody or whatever. And then when you’ve written the letter, I’ll do the deed. Did you hear what I said? Yes or no.’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘Good.’
    He pushed the gag into my mouth. He was gone.

    I wondered what Gail had prayed for. Did I love life as much as those other women? Kelly, who cried for her lost life. Fran, who desperately offered herself. Lauren who fought. Gail who prayed. For what? Maybe just for peace. For release. I doubted that I was as good as Gail. If I prayed, it wouldn’t be for peace. I would pray for a gun and my hands untied. Or a knife. Or a stone. Or a nail. Anything to do damage.
    A last letter. No last meal but a last letter. Who would I write to? Terry? What would I say? If you find someone else, be better to them than you were to me. Not exactly. To my parents? I imagined writing a noble letter full of wise thoughts about life that would make everybody feel better. When somebody dies it’s important for the people who knew them to find ways of comforting themselves. She didn’t suffer. Or, she did suffer, but at least it’s over and she is