Living With Regret by Lisa de Jong Read Free Book Online Page B

away, but I don’t. At this point, I don’t even care who sees me like this.
    My ears follow the footsteps until they stop near my bed. I’m expecting to hear the customary “How are you feeling?” from one of the many medical personnel who comes in and out of my room almost hourly. Instead, a warm, calloused hand covers mine. Suddenly, I’m that eight-year-old girl back in the fields. It’s been years since I felt his touch, but I remember it like it was yesterday. He always held my hand to help me climb out of the creek after we’d been swimming. There were also a few times, while we stared up into the night sky, he had wrapped his fingers around mine as we talked for hours. His skin was rough from hours in the shop, but it felt right.
    “Hi,” he whispers. His voice holds as much pain as I feel. He was never a fan of Cory’s, but he feels what I feel. It’s always been like that for us. It’s almost as if five years hasn’t passed since the last time we laid in the tall, green grass.
    Finally opening my eyes, I fixate on Sam. His blond hair is longer than it used to be, falling onto his forehead, but his eyes are just as brown as I remember. They’ve always calmed me, but right now, they’re just making my tears fall faster. He’s a symbol of what life used to be like.
    “Hey,” he says, squeezing my fingers between his. “It’s going to be okay.”
    Without any sense of control, I fist the front of his T-shirt and pull him down until he’s close enough so I can wrap my arms around his neck. He stiffens before relaxing into me, his cheek pressed to mine. “I missed you,” I say, holding him tightly.
    “I’m here now,” he whispers, his warm breath tickling my ear. “I’m not going anywhere.”
    “I never thought you’d come.”
    “I didn’t think you’d want me here.” He stops, lifting his head to look in my eyes. “I wanted to come to you as soon as I heard about the accident, but I didn’t know how you’d react … it’s been so long, Rachel.”
    “Too long,” I say, trying to draw off the warmth in his eyes. Sometimes just knowing someone is there for you makes everything better.
    “I almost had to pay the nurse to get in here. I guess your mom didn’t add me to the list of approved visitors,” he says, running his thumb along the exposed part of my forearm. He scans the room, taking in the medical equipment that surrounds me. His eyes follow the IV line down to my hand, to the large green and yellow bruise that covers it. I hate the pity on his face. I don’t deserve it.
    “You obviously found a way in,” I say to bring his attention back up to my face.
    He looks up, smiling sadly. “Nothing was going to stop me.”
    For a few seconds, I just stare at him, still surprised that he’s even here. It almost feels as if no time has passed at all. I want to blurt out everything, unleash the pain from my soul. I want to tell him I’m sorry for leaving him behind. Losing someone you love makes you look at everything differently. It brings heartache, but it also brings regret.
    “Sam?”
    “Yeah?”
    “I’m so scared and confused. How does something like this happen, and I don’t remember a thing? So many people have come and gone from this room, but no one has been able to tell me anything. Someone’s got to know something,” I cry.
    Sam inhales a deep breath, peering up at the ceiling then back to me. “You don’t remember anything?”
    “No,” I choke, wiping fresh tears from my cheeks. “Can you help me? It’s a small town; someone’s had to say something. I don’t even remember going to a party or anything from that night.”
    “I wish I could, but no one’s saying much about the accident. No one I talk to anyway. Besides, some things are better left buried. Maybe that’s why you can’t remember.” He stops, running his fingers through his hair. “I want to see you through this, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make this better.”
    I nod, taking some