Love's Illusions: A Novel by Jolene Cazzola Read Free Book Online Page A

mean I’ve only been here a month, and there’s a fight that somehow I seem to have caused. Charlie’s gonna fire me!”
    “You didn’t cause anything! Charlie’s not gonna fire you… Did that asshole say anything to you before he flipped out and…”
    I cut him off, “No, I told him it was last call, and then I told him we were closing – he just glared at me but never said a word. I don’t understand. Where are they taking him?”
    Rick helped me stand up, and led me over to the bar. “Have you seen him in here before? Where did they take him?” I asked again.
    “No, I’ve never seen him before – I noticed him when he came in – I thought he was weird, but let it go when he just hung out drinking. I should have kept a better eye on him.”
    “But where the fuck did they take him – answer me! They’re not going to hurt him are they?” I demanded.
    Rick just looked at me, slid a shot glass full of something across the bar to me, and rather matter-of-factly, stated, “He was going to hurt you – they’re making sure he doesn’t come back.”
    I swallowed – hard. That simple statement sent chills up my spine.
    One of the other guys who had been walking around picking up stools, listening to us, but keeping generally quiet decided to jump into the conversation at this point. “They’re gonna kick the shit out of him and…”
    “Shut the fuck up Jim! You don’t need to tell her that!” Rick snapped cutting him off. “Here, have a drink.”
    “Don’t pour that, he can have this – whatever it is,” I said pushing the shot glass towards Jim as I tried to breathe and steady myself. “I don’t want it. I want to keep my wits about me walking home – I’ve had enough excitement for one night.”
    Rick snorted, then raised his brow and informed me that I wouldn’t be walking home alone again for quite some time. The adrenaline filtering out of my system, I felt drained. I’d never witnessed violence like this before or even a fist fight among the boys in high school – I was battling with my hands to keep them still, and my mind was telling me I should not be working here, but I pushed that thought out of my head. I was unaccustomed to letting some guy make decisions for me or tell me what to do, but was in no condition to protest so I just said, “Good, can we go now then?”
    ~~~~~~~~
    So began my double life – serious art school student by day, waitress at a sleazy bar by night, getting stoned and sleeping with an endless string of men who wanted me, even if it was just for a one night stand. It all held a certain amount of fucked up romanticism when thought about in light of my disheveled marriage. Stephen and I met when I was a sophomore in high school, only 15 years old; I had led a sheltered life before that. He was my first real boyfriend, and the only man I had ever made love to; I thought we would be together forever.
    Well that world had crashed and burned in spectacular fashion as if it was an image on TV from Vietnam with napalm fires blazing, indiscriminately destroying everything and everyone in sight. I couldn’t think of Stephen without seeing myself on fire or my brain exploding into tiny pieces, and yet I couldn’t think of anything else. Everyone at school knew me as part of a couple, as Stephen’s wife; some of them asked where he was or what he was doing; others just looked at me. Whatever the case, being at the Art Institute reminded me of him. I hated the reality of my life, so I built a whole world of mental fantasies around the theme of a liberated woman, working in a bar, determined to survive – one way or another – the ideal heroine of my own soap opera. The Canteen was the perfect escape. I would never quit this place. Who the fuck did I think I was kidding?

Chapter Five
Waking Up
    The alarm was going off… Shit it was loud! I rolled over forcing myself to consciousness through my Valium induced haze, cracked my eyes open enough to see the clock and