Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints by Marie Sexton Read Free Book Online

thought sex was wrong. Not because he believed it had to be about love. But because he couldn’t stand to be touched. He knew, in theory, this didn’t mean he couldn’t have some kind of sex life. Certainly there were plenty of ways to get off. But they would require trust. They would require him to not be ashamed.
In theory, it was possible. In reality, there was no way.
Masturbation wasn’t something he allowed himself to do very often. He knew most men did it often. He also knew most men didn’t have his hang-ups. Sometimes, he felt as if giving in to his sexual desires made him no better than his uncle. If gratifying himself was normal, then it seemed to mean what was done to him was normal as well. He knew it made no sense, rationally. He’d learned, however, to accept that when it came to sex and his past, logic held no sway.
Masturbation was further complicated by the fact he didn’t like the feel of his own shaft in his hand as he stroked himself. It was too similar to something he remembered from long ago. Sometimes he would spread a towel on the bed and hump himself against it. Very rarely, he would fill a plastic bag with Vaseline and slide it between the mattresses of his bed. He would kneel next to his bed and thrust into the bag. On rare occasions, he could induce orgasms simply by tapping his fingers against his frenulum. But the truth was, sometimes it just seemed like too much effort.
Tonight, though, he knew he needed it. No amount of telling himself no was going to change the terrible tightness in his groin. His erection was almost painful. He debated for a long time, but in the end, he stripped naked. He got an old pillow out of the closet— one that had been washed so many times it was worn and butter soft. He lay on his stomach and put the pillow between his legs, under his pelvis. And he thought about Levi.
He thought about Levi’s body and his tan skin. He thought about the dark hair hanging in his hazel eyes, and the heat he’d seen in those eyes today. He thought about the suggestive timbre of Levi’s voice. He thought of the bulge under the sheet, between Levi’s legs, and his thrusts against the pillow became stronger. He thought of moving the sheet aside. He thought of Levi’s cock. He thought of licking it. He imagined sucking it, and his thrusts became frantic. He thought of Levi’s lips. He thought of kissing him. Toward the very end, as his climax was bearing down upon him and he both longed for and dreaded the release it would bring, he even thought of how it would feel to let Levi touch him.
Not once did he think of letting Levi fuck him.

CHAPTER 5
    Levi spent the entire week contemplating Jaime’s reaction to his advances, but he couldn’t come up with an explanation. He was completely baffled. It wasn’t the fact that Jaime had refused him. It was the fear he’d seen in his eyes that gave him pause. His overtures were not just unwelcome. They were, for some reason he did not understand, genuinely distressing.
    “I have a puzzle for you, Max.” It was ten o’clock on Friday night, and The Zone was busy, but not overly so. The customers tended to come in waves, and at the moment, they were in a lull.
    “Riddle away, Batman,” Max said, leaning against the bar. “A gay twenty-something-year-old man who won’t have sex. Not, he says, because he doesn’t want to. But because he can’t. What the fuck’s up with that?”
“He’s got a boyfriend and actually believes monogamy’s a legitimate lifestyle choice?”
“That’s not it.”
“We talking about somebody you know?”
“Not really.”
Max grinned knowingly at him. “You met a guy whose pants you couldn’t get into and you can’t figure out why.”
“No,” Levi said.
“You’re a horrible liar, Levi. Must be your good Mormon upbringing.”
“Fine,” Levi admitted. “I just don’t get the whole ‘I want to but I can’t’ thing. That’s all.”
More customers came up then and the conversation