Mariette in Ecstasy by Ron Hansen Read Free Book Online

spill of hair over her head and stays it there with one hand as she touches the pen’s nib down and then speedily writes, the pen slashing across the page without hesitation or correction.
     
    Every day and in the midst of every kind of disobedience and failing, I have asked Jesus to have pity on me and either take my life entirely or, in his justice and mercy, give me a great deal to suffer in atonement for my own foolishness and the sins of the world. While there have been times when he permitted me to enjoy the greatest consolations, there have been times of darkness and silence, too, when I felt disliked and in disfavor and, with hopelessness and pining and tears, I prayed to Jesus from a place that was very near Hell .
    You are my dearest and only father on earth now, Père Marriott, but we do not know each other so well yet that I dare say all that I have seen and heard and understood. Oh how I yearn to give you a place in my heart and confide in you and paint in their radiance all of my secrets and experiences! I have been forbidden, however, to do so. At this time I am only permitted to tell you that Our Lord has promised that I will suffer great pain in the course of my life. Christ has told me that soon he will put my faith to the proof and find out whether I truly love him and whether the offering of my heart which I so often have made to him is authentic .
    Christ said, “You will grow hard, Mariette. You will find yourself afflicted and empty and tempted, and all your body’s senses will then revolt and become like wolves. Each of the world’s tawdry pleasures will invade your sleep. Your memories will be sad and persistent. Everything that is contrary to God will be in your sight and thinking, and all that is of and from God you’ll no longer feel. I shall not offer comfort at such times, but I shall not cease to understand you. I shall allow Satan to harshly attack your soul, and he will plant a great hatred of prayer in your heart, and a hundred evil thoughts in your mind, and terror of him will never leave you .
    “You will have no solace or pity, not even from your superiors. You will be tortured by gross outrages and mistreatment, but no one will believe you. You will be punished and humbled and greatly confused, and Heaven will seem closed to you, God will seem dead and indifferent, you will try to be recollected, but instead be distracted, you will try to pray and your thoughts will fly, you will seek me fruitlessly and without avail for I shall hide in noise and shadows and I shall seem to withdraw when you need me most. Everyone will seem to abandon you. Confession will seem tedious, Communion stale and unprofitable; you will practice each daily exercise of worship and devotion, but all through necessity, as if you stood outside yourself and hated what you’d become. And yet you will believe, Mariette, but as if you did not believe; you will always hope, but as if you did not hope; you will love your Savior, but as if you did not love him, because in this time your true feelings will fail you, you will be tired of life and afraid of death, and you will not even have the relief of being able to weep .”

Part 2
     
     

 
     
     
    Crickets.
     
    Heat.
     
    Something wriggles in the green stew of algae at the water’s edge.
     
    High up on a stark jut of wasted hickory, a hoot owl turns its head completely around and persecutes the night with its stare.
     
    Church windows and song. Matins. Lauds. And then footsteps.
     
    Silence.
     
    Wingsoar and a soft thud in the garden, and then a frantic writhing that the whacking wings carry away.
     
    A hawkmoth touches down on the tension of still water, turns on a soft breeze, and unsticks itself. The moonsweep is sliced with ripples.
     
    Seeing herself in a nighted window, a sister holds back her gray hair, then holds her hands tight at her cheeks. She is horrified. She withdraws.
     
    Water drips onto pink brick in the garth.
     
    White skirt, black